I will, however obscenely ludicrous it is, recognize that this is the current law and that the events that transpired are entirely my fault. Had I followed the law and paid them their “screw off fee” none of the following would have happened. I am entirely to blame. That said, please sit back and enjoy a section of my life that could be the basis for a sitcom.
Last week I left work during my lunch break in order to get some food at a local gas station. As I was getting out of my car I heard a voice over a loud speaker say “Driver, Please remain in your vehicle!” Startled, I looked around and discovered that parked next to me was a pale blue dodge charger with flashing light barely noticeable on the dash. I looked into the car and into the face of a state trooper who was staring back at me. I smiled and closed my door and assumed the standard “Pulled over Position”- Window down, engine off, radio off, hands on the steering wheel. He gets out of the car and comes over to my door and informs me that the reason he is pulling me over is because my plates are expired. I grumble to myself about my forgetfulness and he asked for my license. I inform him it is in my back pocket and that I am reaching for it so he does not become alarmed or feel threatened. I hand it to him and he hands it back to me stating that I had, in fact, handed him my visa card. I am immediately flustered and attempt to explain that it was not my intention at all to hand that to him and that I wasn’t trying to suggest anything by it. He held his hand up and I could just make out a shadow of a smile on his face as I hurriedly hand him, after checking it three times, my license.
He takes the license and says “If you have business inside, you can go in and attend to it.” I stared at him blankly. I cleverly responded “Really?” He said “I assume you are on your lunch break, so if you need to get something in there, go and get it. I should be done with my paperwork by the time you come back.” So I went inside. The guy behind the counter asked if everything was OK. I stated calmly that I was getting a ticket but the cop said I could get what I needed while he wrote things out. The clerk blinked and I said “I know! Right?” He just shook his head.
So I went back got one of the salads that have for sale, grabbed a drink from the cooler, paid for my items and went back to my car. I then presented myself with the following problem. How do I get in my car without him thinking I’m going to start up my car and race out of the parking lot to commit further heinous crimes like ripping the tags off mattresses or using an aerosol spray can on a manner other that which it was intended. I decided I would walk exaggeratedly to my car so he would be sure to see that I was letting him know I was returning to my car and as I got into my vehicle I quickly placed my items on the floor and returned my hands to the steering wheel.
I couple of minutes later he returned with a 10 day warning instead of a ticket. He told me to renew the plates and then have an officer sign off on the paper he gave me. He also asked me if my seatbelt was in working order. I replied that it was and he said to be sure to put it on before I leave because I wasn’t wearing it when I got there. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I have made it a habit to wear my seatbelt at work because it is a CDL regulation, but I must have forgotten to put it on while rushing out to get lunch. I put my seatbelt on and the officer tells me to have a nice day and leaves. WOW! He could have given me two expensive tickets but he didn’t! This sounds like the end of the story, but wait! There is more!
The next day on my lunch break I head over the Vehicle Emissions Test site to get tested and renew my plates. As I pull up I see the “Estimated Wait Time” clock set at 40 minutes. I only have a 30 minute lunch but I pull in to asses the line and it is indeed back up and around the curve so I head back to work. I work from 8:30 am to 7 pm Monday through Thursday and am off on Fridays but I wanted to get this taken care of. So I told my supervisor that I was coming in late on Wednesday because I wanted to get this registration thing taken care of and there were a couple of other chores I wanted to handle before Friday. So Wednesday I get up, take care of my other chores and head over toy the Vehicle Emissions Test site in Waukesha to find that it is closed on Wednesdays!! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! The facilities hours are plainly posted on the sign as you enter the driveway but who the hell thought they’d be closed in the middle of the week! Again, my fault, I didn’t check the hours before I made the plans. So I drive, deflated, in to work.
The next day, Thursday, off I go again on my lunch break to try to take care of an issue I could have handled at my leisure a couple of months earlier. As I pull up to the Vehicle Emissions Test site, I see the “Estimated Wait Time” clock isn’t even registering recognizable numbers. I pull in to the lot to discover even more cars in line than there was on Tuesday! There is nothing for it. I go back to work (amongst the chuckles of my co-workers who have been following this saga) completely defeated and resigned to resolving this issue on Friday.
Friday morning I get up and head right over the Vehicle Emissions Test site. I see the “Estimated Wait Time” clock set at 28 minutes so I get in line. I finally make my way in to one of the garage bays and the young lady asks for my renewal for. I tell her that I don’t have a renewal for and that I was pulled over by a cop due to my lack of handling a simply yearly task everyone else manages to complete. She says she can’t test my car with out the form and that I have to pull around go inside, give the lady my license plate number, and she will print out the form I need. I thank her for the direction and pull out of the bay, drive around to the parking lot and go inside noticing that the line of cars is nearly as long as it was on Thursday. I go inside, get in line between a confused old man and a couple of snarky remarking college kids and wait for my turn. When I get up to the window, I give the lady behind the glass, who looks old enough to have given Moses swimming lessons, my license plate number. She punches the numbers into her computer with a palpable sense of disdain for time wasting simpletons like myself and after a few minutes of scowling at the screen stated that I owe her the designated amount of money for plate renewal. I ask her about the testing form and she tells me there isn’t testing required this year for my vehicle. I breathe slowly. She repeats the demand for the payment and adds that it must be either cash or check and that they do not accept plastic. I have a grand total of $2.56 in cash on me. I do, however, have my checkbook with me in my car. So, I go out to my car, get my checkbook, come back inside, get in line between a person with a very small grasp on the English language and a middle aged female mouth breather. As I am waiting in line, I fill out my check so I can present it to the lady behind the glass, get my sticker and go. Soon I find myself kneeling behind my car, cleaning off the plate and applying my shiny new sticker. A quick stop at the cop shop and I am a responsible driver once again!
Or at least until the next time my plates expire!
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