Based on real events

A guy I work with told me a story once about his battle with some bee's. The story was great. It involves mowing the lawn, drinking beer, getting stung and over reacting with a shot gun and fire. Just listing those ingredients is enough to bring a smile to someones face. He told me the story and I was compelled, much like Hollywood, to create a story "based on true events." The following is that story



Full Metal Umnuhs
By Chris Koterba
Based on true events

I am a man who likes to mow his lawn. I often proudly pilot my John Deere mower around my two acres of lawn while enjoying the taste of a cold beer. One fine summer day I was out mowing the lawn and as I was making a pass along a row of hedges I was viciously attacked by a Hornet who believed I had invaded his territory and posed an immediate threat to his nest. This attack occurred near the end of the mowing job and it had been a particularly warm day so I was well into my fifth or sixth can of beer by this point. I quickly came to the conclusion that since I was at the top of the food chain and I had planted the hedges the hornets were “defending” not to mention the fact that I paid a ridiculous amount tax on the property the hedges grew on that the hornet’s attack was completely unjustified and warranted an immediate and hostile response.

I went inside and a few minutes later emerged from my house with my 12 gauge. I “army crawled” across my porch so the people driving on I-94 on the other side of my hedges and across the frontage road would see me and jump to some crazy conclusion. I took aim and let one go. I was; however, just close enough so that the shot didn’t have enough time to separate and all I succeeded in doing is blasting a breezeway through the paper nest and infuriating the entire swarm. I didn’t want to chance another shot because I had seen several movies and believed I knew about triangulation. I quickly scuttled back into the house, put down my gun and ran outside to the garage. I had another idea. Since my sniper moves had proven unsuccessful, I decided napalm was my next best option.

I had another beer while I put together the mission. I looked around and found a weed sprayer and filled it with gasoline. I shifted my John Deere into a higher gear and made three or four passes with the sprayer until I determined the area was doused properly. I then began my ignition run. I had prepared a Rambo style torch by wrapping several shop rags around on end of a tree branch and soaking them in kerosene. I lit it and piloted my Greene Bomber past the kill zone and with a mighty roar I hurled the torch…..over the hedge and into the ditch on the other side. I retrieved my torch, put out the burning grass it had started, got stung again, and tried a second time. This time I went Ninja style and crept as close to ground zero as I dared and shot the torch like a dart. Success! The hedge was on fire! It grew a bit quicker that I had expected and soon I had to run to grab the garden hose and put out the fire that was making its way through the hedge and toward my house.

I stood there surveying my war torn lawn and feeling very Thor like when I was stung three more times! Like a man plagued with Demons, I hopped, shimmied, and jerked around the front lawn. As I stood in my garage planning my next sortie, I saw my wife calmly walk out of the house, sprayed the paper nest and a ground nest (I hadn’t noticed) in the same area, looked at me, and go back inside shaking her head. Her smugness was not appreciated.

The End



I would like to point out that my friend is not a drunken lunatic with no common sense and limited cognitive abilities. He is actually quite knowledgeable about many different topics, especially the safe, proper, and responsible handling of firearms. I in no way mean to slight him with this story. I said above, this is a story based on true event. The actual details of the story should be shared by the man who witnessed them.