Farscape From Women

Between March 19, 1999 and March 21, 2003, there was a television show that aired on the Sci-Fi Channel here in Wisconsin. The show follows the adventures of an astronaut who gets pulled into a wormhole in space/time and dumped out into a different universe. There he is rescued by a ship of fugitives on the run. The show was called Farscape, and I am a fan!



I watched a good deal of the series while it aired but missed the last part of season 3 and all of season 4. It was released a few years later on VHS and then on DVD. I bought the first few tapes but couldn’t afford to keep buying them. Then one year, for my birthday, my friend Erik bought me Season 1 on DVD. I was delighted! I quickly immersed myself in the show watching the season, one episode after another. I chewed through the season like a zombie through the top of your head! And then I watched it all over again. It was great!!

At this time, I was working 3rd shift so the routine was this; work Monday night through Thursday night 7:30 pm until 6:00 am, join society Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then Sunday night I would stay up all night so I could sleep Monday before work. One Sunday, as I drove home from my parent’s house, I realized it was imperative that I buy The Second Season of Farscape and watch it that night! I had no choice! So I headed over to my local Best Buy, power walked back to the DVD isle, scanned the titles found the Farscape section and immediately realized they had every season, except the one I needed! The frustration was immense. I scanned the area, hoping someone put it where it didn’t belong. No Such Luck! So, dejected, I started walking away when a young girl approached me and said “Is there anything I can do for you?” I said “As a matter of fact there is! I am looking for The Second Season of Farscape and I see that there is every season except the second season on the shelf, which is a bummer because I can’t watch the third and the fourth season without watching the second season to see what happened so I won’t be lost and miserable and I know it seems like a trivial thing to worry about but I am a fan and we get like this some times (DEEP INHALE)!” Surprisingly, she didn’t seem too put off by my ravings and said that she wanted to check the computer to see if there were some in the back or at another location.

After looking at the screen for a couple of minutes she frowned and said that inventory claims they have one on the shelf. I explained that being built like I am and blinded by a driving geekish need to see this show that I may have over looked it. After studying the shelf for a while she says, with a mix of disgust and frustration, that it was likely shop lifted. “I hate shoplifters!” she says, “They screw up inventory, cost us money, and disappoint our good customers like you. If I ever caught one I’d stomp them down with my big old feet!” Automatically, I looked down, assessed the size of her feet in comparison to her frame and made the determination that they were an appropriate size for her and stated as much. She smiled and said “Thanks, you’re sweet.” She then reminded me that one of the other locations had two copies in stock and that I had time to go there and pick one up.

I quickly thanked her and said that if she ever did get the chance to take out a shoplifter, to get in a couple of good jabs for me. She smiled and said, “I sure will, but I’ll probably have to take my shirt of if I do.” I only briefly thought about this and assumed the store has a strict “Zero Customer Ass-Kicking Tolerance” policy. I jumped in my car and headed for 76th street. Once parked, I headed inside, through the doors, past the greeter, straight to the movie department. I quickly scanned the shelves with baited breath. Then the clouds parted, sunlight splashed all around, and Angels with golden horns trumpeted as I held in my trembling, geek-sweaty hands The Second Season of Farscape! Much like Gollum, I clutched “my precious” and made a beeline for checkout! I stood in line admiring my new obsession and realized, after a short while of day-dreaming about the wonders I will witness as soon as I get home, that I was, in fact, not actually making much progress at getting home. The person in front of me currently checking out seemed to be involved in a conversation with the checkout girl. I was a bit annoyed but quickly sank back into a land Far, Farscape away. (Wink, wink, see what I did there? Heh heh snort)

Anyway!

I was soon jolted out of my fantasy buy the arrival of a mother and two children behind me. I realized I was still waiting to check out. I then began to focus on the situation in front of me to determine what the hold up was. The gentleman in front of me was a handsome, fit man in his late fifties or early sixties, dressed in a suit that looked like it probable had a set of BMW keys in one of the pockets. He was smiling at the checkout girl in a fashion that made you want to avert children’s eyes and maybe hand the all the women in the area an extra layer of baggy clothing. The checkout girl was smiling back at him with a “I need this job to much to run screaming away from you” smile.

It appears as though Grampa Gotrocks is flirting with this girl and doesn’t seem willing to grasp her refusal. She asks him “Will this be cash or credit?” to which he responds with “Well, I could pay for this with cash or I could use a credit card and use the cash to take you out to dinner.” She wisely doesn’t react and the man gives her his credit card. Because he uses a credit card, she is forced to ask for his phone number. His smile grows a bit bigger and drips a little more grease and he produces a silver card case, extracts a business card (add favorite “American Psycho” quote here) and writes his phone number on the back and put it on the little counter thing you use to write out checks and says “Here you go sweetheart, you can call it anytime!”

It’s at this point I decide to break one of the social rules involved in shopping which is “Do not stick your nose into other peoples business unless you want them to stick their nose in yours!” It was clear to me that this man wanted to stick something somewhere but my immediate cause of irritation was his interference in my attempt to purchase and absorb The Second Season of Farscape! I stepped forward and with as pleasant and non-threatening a voice as I could muster I said “Sir? Pardon my interruption, but if you look straight out the window here in front of us you will see 76th street on which there are any numbers of bars, clubs, and restaurants where in you would have a chance to meet single women who are actually looking for a companion. There is even a good chance you will find one a little more suited to your age bracket who remembers growing up in the ’40 and the two of you could share stories about D-day and discussing whether “Rosie the Riveter” was hot or not and then you wouldn’t have to waste your time while embarrassing this young lady who is trying to do her job.

There was a moment of tense silence and the gentleman stared at me while I politely smiled at him. “Well!” the man exclaimed as he grabbed his bag and stormed off muttering about respect and minding one’s own business. As I said, it wasn’t my place to interject but desire for Sci-Fi is an unrelenting beast so my hand was forced. I smiled at the cashier and apologized for the male gender. I said it was men like him that make me embarrassed to be a man to which she replied, “You have no reason to be embarrassed, you’re sweet for telling that guy off.” I said thanks and proceeded to purchase The Second Season of Farscape!!!! As I picked up my beloved acquisition, I said to the cashier that I hoped the rest of her was good. She replied that she would and wished me the same and said “Thanks again, that was really sweet of you.” I said “you’re welcome” and blasted out of there. One hour later, I was at home, in my “Redneck Tuxedo” (boxers, white tank top, and bathrobe) eating pizza and fully engrossed in the best show ever aired on the Sci-Fi Network!

It was several hours later while watching our heroes attempting to survive the harsh existence of life on the run in the uncharted territories when in a scene between Aeryn Sun and John Crichton; Aeryn does this thing with her tongue that made me raise my eyebrow. It was sort of a roll/wave/flicker movement all with a set of "smokey eyes". It was at that moment I thought to myself; “Mmmm, I like women, it would be great to have a girlfriend. I wish I knew some girls who were interested in….wait, “Thanks, you’re sweet.”…..“You have no reason to be embarrassed; you’re sweet for telling that guy off.”…“Thanks again, that was really sweet of you.”...Ohhhh MAAAAN! I totally missed that! Damn It!!”

I think I may have actually said “Aw Crap” outload as I got up and got a beer and some left over cold pizza and resumed watching The Second Season of Farscape!!!!

Alone.

I was eventually rescued from my ignorance induced exile from the world of relationships by a wonderfully persistent woman, who patiently deals with my cluelessness with a smile. She is great and she doesn’t need some fancy tongue moves to prove it!