Entertainment

It was time for new glasses. I had been wearing the pair on my face for over 15 years and decided it was due. I decided to head over to our local Sam’s Club and take advantage of my membership. I parked my car, strode purposefully across the lot and into the store, showing my card at the door with authority. I headed directly to the optical center where I saw, from afar, a woman in a lab coat seated at a desk. I marched right up to her and, displaying the most professional, well adjusted and friendly smile I possessed, promptly asked her how much an eye exam cost. She smile politely up at me and slowly looked to her left. I followed her gaze to what appeared to be a 5 foot tall, 4 foot wide, white display. The words “EYE EXAM - $45” printed in solid black block letters took up almost the entire front of the ad. The sign was less than a foot away from the lady in the lab coat and actually stood a few inches taller. It may have been one of the most obviously signs ever created to inform anyone of anything. I looked at the sign and looked back at the lady in the lab coat. She slowly looked back at me, tilted her head just a bit and smiled a little bit wider.

Or

I was at work and needed some nuts and bolts. The department keeps and assortment of these stocked in bins along the wall at one end of the shop. I walked down to the bins and selected several nuts and bolts so I wouldn’t have to make another trip. The bins were set up in about 10 or 12 columns with 5 or 6 bins to a column. I stood up and took a couple of steps back to get a broad look at the variety of nuts and bolts to see if I might have forgotten something. I was unaware of the fact that on the ground directly behind me were several steel tubes about 6’ long lying flat on the ground. I stepped on the tubes who immediately made it their life’s goal to send me cart-wheeling to disaster in a flurry of arms, legs, flying hardware, and shouted obscenities. Most of me was trying to fall down but various bits of me just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. In an acrobatic display not common to a person of my built, I proceeded to flail about in a generally downward motion and ended up rolling to a stop about five feet from my first ill-placed step. I immediately sprang to my feet and covered in dust and sweat I shot my arm in the air like a gymnast landing a perfect dismount. It was this last triumphant motion that caused several of my fellow coworkers burst into gales of laughter before getting the chance to ask if I was alright.

Or

I have a Commercial Drivers License which allows me to drive vehicles 26,001 lbs or heavier. Simply stated, I have a truck driver’s license. Piloting a vehicle over 13 tons down a road at speeds up to 65 miles an hour naturally requires a person who is in control of the faculties. The company I work for submits it drivers to random D.O.T. drug screens in the form of a urine test. I have no problem with this. I remember one particular test vividly. I arrived at the clinic and signed in. After a short wait, I was taken back to a room by a nurse I’d seen many times over the years. We chatted briefly and she handed me the fabled cup and off I went to prove my integrity. The problem was that this test and been sprung on me moments after using the restroom at work so the tank was mostly empty. I gave it the old “barely made it out of high school” try. I thought of watermelons, dripping faucets, Niagara Falls and JUST made it to the line. I set the cup on the counter, got myself together and reached for the cup, slapping it off the counter and against the wall where it seemed to explode joyously all over the small restroom. I filled my lungs and hemorrhaged a blue streak of language that would make most “Gangsta Rappa’s” blanch. I immediately realized I was in a medical facility and clapped my hands over my mouth, I further realized where my hands have been and was immediately disgusted and mildly gagged a bit. From the other side of the door and carefully but barely controlled voice asked if everything was ok... I explained that it was not. I apologized profusely for what had happened and took some relief in the nurse trembling with silent laughter. Because this is a D.O.T. drug test, I can not leave until I provide a sample so 3 cups of coffee and 2 bottles of water later, I was finally able to deliver the required level and was on my way back to work to explain why a simple drug test took me over two hours to complete.

These are funny stories. I know they’re funny because I laughed when it happened, I’ve made other people laugh when telling them in person, and I’m chuckling inwardly to myself as I write about them now. These stories are meant as entertainment but they also happen to be true. They actually happened and I know that because they actually happened to me. I am 1 person out of 64,000 people in Waukesha County where I live and 1 out of 2.6 million people in America. If I have three of these stories, just imagine some of the stories other people have. With such a massive goldmine of entertainment at our disposal, one has to wonder why we need TV shows like “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” which take the wonderful and exquisite idea of a relationship and covers it with a layer of douche-baggery so thick it stains the Television screen. Just how moronic do the people who produce and offer these shows as our entertainment think we are? It just makes me wonder, don’t you? I think I’ll go read a book. If you care to join me, click here.