I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. As you might have noticed, I haven’t been posting a lot. There are a variety of reasons for that but it boils down to I haven’t really dedicated the time to it. I am a person who finds it difficult to turn down a project. It can be something someone approached me with or something that manifests in my imagination. However it show up, I feel the need to take it on in some fashion or another.
I don’t really know for sure why or when this behavior started but I believe it was connected to the passing of a very dear friend. We initially dated in high school and were kind of on and off for a while after that. When I moved out of my folk’s house, we got an apartment together and continued out casual relationship when we weren’t dating someone else. I always kind of carried a torch for her though so none of my relationships ever lasted for any real amount of time. However, one of hers did.
She met a guy and they really hit it off. I was, of course, conflicted. I wanted her to be happy but I wanted it to be me that made her happy. After a while their relationship seemed like it was going to settle in for the long run and then one day she told me she was expecting. Soon after, they moved in together and I got on with my life..sort of. I would visit occasionally, when he was out of town and we would catch up. She was always faithful to him and I was always respectful. The first child came and after a couple of years, so did another. I was happy for her. She had a life that made her happy. I, however spent that time sabotaging my life and relationships waiting for a movie ending that wasn’t going to happen. A story where they girl realizes she chose the wrong man as a hero and races of to fix things.
Instead, I got a phone call at work. It was around 9am Friday, April 2nd 2004. It was my mother and she told me some of the worst news I’ve ever received.
I spent the following days in a bit of a fog. I had been writing in notebooks for a couple of years at that point so I went and got a new spiral and dedicated it to her. I think it was sometime during the writing in this notebook that I went through the panic of mortality that often set in to people who lose someone close. On the inside cover of her notebook I wrote about times constant march. I wrote the words to form the shape of a stopwatch and the hands say “We only have 3 seconds”
As I sit here writing this, I realize I hadn’t really meant to tell you all of that. I originally set out to explain why I haven’t been posting very much. The fact is I haven’t been inspired to write in a long while. Creative people often have peaks and valleys and I think I’m in a valley right now. When I write, I don’t want it to be a journal/diary entry. I want it to be something the reader can get something from. I also like my post to be fully researched with pictures and hyperlinks so that it’s not just text on a screen and I have not been interested in doing that in quite a while. It was a little easier previously because I had an office job which allowed me to stay after work in a quiet environment and work on these but I've switched positions a couple of times since and now I have to dedicate time to sit behind a computer and deliberately write. Once I get going, it's easy but the initial dedication is challenging. My home is filled with distractions. I’m not saying I’m out of the valley, I just had the opportunity today to do some writing and wanted to put up a post since I have been absent for a while.
I am thankful for my busy life and all the people involved in the projects I am a part of. I am grateful for the time I had with my friend and the inspiration she is responsible for. I am also grateful for those of you who take the time to read these little blurbs I float out onto the ocean of the internet. It is my hope that each of you can be inspired to do something you never knew you wanted to.
Your words here, however infrequent at present, remain here for me and anyone else who has the privelage of reading them. As a severely amateur writer with a life full of distractions, your writing has managed to penetrate my soul enough to encourage me to start my own blog, to which I have posted an entry almost every day since I started it. Your entries are so full of personality. I can't recall a place where I've laughed so hard, reflected so deeply and related quite as well as I've done while perusing Abretokia. I was and continue to be inspired by what you do. Your friend would be proud of everything you've accomplished and will continue to accomplish, both here and in life. I know the panic of mortality all too well. Seems to me like you're using your time wisely. I'm glad you've decided to share some of your little blurbs with me... and the rest of those floating in the ocean of the internet. Afterall, they could all be sitting in a notebook somewhere instead.
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