5 things that terrify me

For Halloween I thought I’d throw out 5 things that take the string right out of my spine and reduce me to a quivering pile of sissy putty. These are in alphabetical order because they rate differently on my terror scale from time to time.

1. The Dentist

There are a couple of reasons this profession is on the list and it is the only fear on this list I am actively trying to conquer but when someone asks me about fear, this one comes up fairly quickly.



2. The Brown Recluse Spider

I am not a fan of any sort of arachnid but the Brown Recluse Spider, or more precisely, the effect of its bite makes me want to encase myself in Adamantium.



3. Pennywise the Clown


Clowns, as a rule, don’t bother me. Pennywise, however, is the sole reason I steer clear of sewer drains and old timey photos.



4. The Ring

I don’t think any other movie I’ve ever seen bothered me as much as this one. That one little half second “cat-scare” at the beginning of the movie was enough to render me nearly incapable of going near my closet for weeks afterward. (shudder)



5. Wasps

Actually, anything that flies and looks like it might sting has the ability to send me flailing about like a stork on acid. Wasps are the worst because they are the alcoholic asshole of the flying, stinging, doom of the insect world. Yes, I know, swatting at them only irritates them and if you don’t show fear blah, blah, blah, whatever!I Don't Care! They Suck!!

No canoe is good canoe

A while back I went up to the U.P. with my friend Andy to check out a mining festival (details on that HERE) held every year in Caspian Michigan. Considering our interest in blacksmithing, this seemed like a great chance to do some research on the subject. It also turns out that Andy’s grandmother lives up there and his folks have a house on a lake in the area so we planned on staying there while we were up there. Once we arrived, we unloaded our stuff and went to have dinner with Andy’s grandmother. After dinner we went back to the house and Andy suggested we take the canoe out on the lake. I said that was a great idea, I haven’t been in a canoe since I was in middle school. So we got the canoe down by the pier and I stood looking at it. Andy explained that I should sit up front and he would sit in the rear because he was more experienced in canoeing than I was. With some coaching I got into the canoe and sat down.

It was right about then I noticed a slight sense of unease begin to poke around my consciousness. As Andy got in and we sunk a little lower in the water the unease gradually gained some strength and emerged as agitation. Since I can, sort of, swim and I’ve been in a canoe before, I berated myself for this childish behavior. However, as we began paddling out into the lake and as my movements seemed to cause the canoe to wiggle like a hula girls hips, my agitation erupted into near full blown panic. I immediately grabbed the sides of the canoe and began informing Andy that I was fully content with our journey and would be interested in returning to the dock. In fact I think my precise phrasing was something like-

“OKwellthatsaboutenoughofthisimgoodtogobackwecangobacknowbacktothedockthatwouldbegoodthankyouverymuch!!!”

Andy tried to reassure me everything was fine but I would not be dissuaded so Andy, being quite the talented Scout, put the canoe in reverse and took us back where I clambered out of the canoe and reassessed my world with the new knowledge that I’ve become a sissy with regards to small water vessels. I previously had no idea this was the case. With my dignity in ruins we headed out to check out a local bar and after watching some extreme sports and winning a couple of games of pool, my machismo was sufficiently restored and we retired back to the house to watch action movies and crash.

As I think about this situation, I don’t believe my interactions with canoes are at an end. I’d like to overcome this, what I consider a, ridiculous fear so I will keep you updated. Until then, hook me up with a pontoon boat or leave me on the shore.