A Hoopy Frood

I first read The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy in fifth grade. My Dad and I would make regular trips to the Waukesha Public Library and on one visit I discovered I had read everything they had available from Stephan King and Dean Koontz and was looking for something new. Wandering up and down the isles scanning the spines, my eye caught the words “Hitch-hiker’s Guide”. I pulled the book and flipped open to a random page and read about the usefulness of a towel and decided to check the book out. That was the beginning of my long lasting respect for Douglas Adams. I’ve read through a great many of his books time and time again and always seem to learn something new.

One of the lasting things I learned was the first thing I ever read by him, The Usefulness of a Towel. I’ve actually carried towels in all the cars I’ve owned (described here) just in case I needed one. Here is a list of just some of the uses I’ve had for my towel.

• Drying off after getting stuck in a flash flood
• Picking up hot muffler that had just fallen off car
• Cleaning up after a drunk friend
• Head rest while working under vehicle
• Arm sling for a Co-worker hurt on a jobsite
• Hand warmer after gloves got soaked changing a flat in the winter
• Heat shield while working on a hot engine
• Battery cover to prevent tools from shorting out across terminals
• Duct taped in place of broken door window in the winter
• Seat protector for stray dog
• Many others that I can’t remember

I had a custom traveling towel made a few years a go by a friend who owns a company called Stitch, Print, and Stick. I wanted a towel with my name and the number “42” embroidered on it. George set me up with this beauty!



I’ve taken it on most of the trips I’ve gone on and carried in my vehicles as my Secondary “Show Towel”. Recently, however, it got promoted to my primary towel.

A few months ago, I was working with a ratchet strap and it broke apart in my hand causing an injury that required several stitches.


The first thing I grabbed was my standard use towel before heading to the emergency room. Upon being taken back for treatment, they took my towel and THREW IT AWAY!!! I said I wanted to keep it and they told me they had to dispose of it because it was covered in blood. I grudgingly relented with sorrow in my heart. It had been a good, strong trustworthy towel. I raise my cardboard gas station coffee cup in its honor. Consequently, my “Show Towel” is now my primary towel. It is a hardy traveler and will do well.

Fans of Douglas Adams have an annual “Towel Day” wherein we openly carry our towels all day to spread the word of its many uses and to let everyone know we are hoopy froods who know where our towels are.

What's that Junk inside your Truck?

One of the first things my Dad taught me regarding the ownership of a vehicle was to be prepared for emergencies. This included having the skills and tools to perform some simple emergency roadside repairs. Every vehicle I’ve owned since has had at least the following items in it.

• Towel – This item was originally included as homage to Sci-Fi Writer Douglas Adams and his book, The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. It has, however, earned its place amongst my tools by proving itself a very versatile and useful ally in travel. For suggestions click Here.

• Flashlight – In order to see at night or under the hood and to signal people traveling on the road.

• Duct Tape – Blue Collar Comedy aside and much like the towel listed above, this is a very useful item to have. Its uses are truly impressive.

• Hammer – Persuasion is sometimes needed in an emergency.

• Screwdriver – I would recommend both a flat and a phillips head individually. More than once I’ve made an unpleasant situation much more aggravating by dropping the screwdriver tip in slushy muck while trying to change it out.

• Adjustable wrench – properly used can take the place of an entire set of standard and metric wrenches.

• Jumper Cables – More often then not, I use my cables as a Good Samaritan rather than as a victim of battery failure but they are still used regularly. It is important to know how to jumpstart a vehicle properly and safely. Doing it incorrectly can not only damage the vehicles but could cause severe injury. If you don’t know how, ask someone to show you. It’s not difficult but it needs to be done right.

• Small gas can – For years I kept a small 1 gallon can in my trunk mostly because I’ve owed a few cars that didn’t have working fuel gauges.

• Backpack, Gym Bag, or Milk Crate – I used a milk crate for years to store everything so it wouldn’t be scattered throughout the vehicle. I also used it as a snow shovel once in order to dig my self out of a snow-plow induced ice blockade. If your in a smaller vehicle, you might consider using a backpack to hold everything. Backpacks are especially helpful if you need to leave your car on foot so you can take your provisions with you. I have recently moved to a back-pack for human gear and an antique wood box for vehicle gear.

This separation allows me to abandon my vehicle quicker without having to take time to repack everything I want to take with me. I stress the fact that this is a set up that works for me. Your personal set up might be quite smaller.

I have added to this list, over the years, a variety of gear that I’ve tested for usefulness. Some of it I kept, most of it I’ve dumped because I didn’t use it, I used it and it failed, or I found a comparable item that was more compact. I added the following items to the list above with winter and the possibility of getting stranded in mind.




• Spare winter Gloves – Once gloves get wet they are virtually worthless and in order to maintain use of your hands, you will want to change them out for a dry pair.

• Winter cap – An emergency is no time to worry about hairstyles. Keeping your head and ears war is very important when out in cold weather.

• Extra Socks – A couple pair of socks can make a world of different. Keeping your feet warm and dry is something that everyone should strive for. You don’t want to end up with “Trench Foot!”

• Blanket or Sleeping bag – In case you get stranded and are forced to stay with your vehicle until help arrives, this can be a life saver. You may not be able to rely on your car heater to keep you warm. If you decide to abandon your vehicle, this can be another layer of protection as you make your way to safety.

• Bottled Water – Hydration is extremely important. I keep a 6 pack of bottled water in my vehicle for drinking in the event I’m stranded. Most bottled water with withstand freezing without breaking the bottle. As a precaution you could seal these bottles in a kitchen garbage bag. It should hold the water if they do break plus the bag can be used for a variety of things including transporting things if you have to walk, keeping things dry in a wet environment, ect.

• Energy bars – I keep a few “Clif Bars” in case I’m stranded. They provide a boost when dealing with a roadside emergency.

• Compass and local map – With training, a compass and local map can direct you to the nearest town where you can seek shelter.

• First Aid Kit – In my opinion, this should come standard on all vehicles. The first aid kit you keep should be one that’s set at your skill level. People often spend a lot of money on a fancy all inclusive medical kit but don’t have the skills required to used a field surgery kit or even a blood pressure cuff so there’s no point in having one take up space.

• Lighter/Matches – It’s always good to have a source of fire available in the event of an emergency. I would lean toward disposable lighters as they are more tolerant of weather conditions then matches.

• Flares/safety triangles – Stopped on the side of the road puts you in immediate danger from passing traffic. Setting out flares or reflective triangles will alert motorist to your presents. You may even get an offer of assistance.

• Small shovel – These you can get at camping or army surplus stores. I mentioned above using a milk crate to shovel snow and ice out of the way. Having a shovel would have made this task a lot easier.

I would be remiss if I don’t say something about personal safety. Sadly, we share a world with people who have malevolent intentions. Often in an emergency you will be relying on strangers for assistance. Your personal safety comes first! If something doesn’t feel right, get out of there. The first resource available in all situations is you. I encourage everyone who I speak with to get some training. Knowing how to properly perform CPR, change a tire, and jump start a car gives you the advantage many people do not possess. I also was to reiterate that this is a fairly personalized endeavor. What works for me in a SUV might not work well at all in your compact car. What I try to do is a yearly audit of what I keep at my disposal in my vehicle. I usually do it around my birthday as a reminder. I check my gear for damage and wear and replace anything that might be expired in my first aid kit, snacks, and water. I also wash my spare cloths and blankets to make sure they fit and do not have any problems. I realize that this list can look intimidating but you don’t have to try to get set up all at once. Start off with what you’re comfortable with and grow from there. The Center for Disease Control has a couple of good pages on the subject of preparedness HERE , HERE , and HERE. Let me know what you do to prepare for driving in Wisconsin.

Hector Barski

I portray a serial killer at The Haunted Woods every October at The Bear Den Zoo. I “discovered” he had an actual persona after a friend asked to borrow my outfit to use in a short independent film he was shooting. As I was handing it over to him I was compelled to describe elements of this characters personality. I realized I knew more about this guy than I had previously acknowledged. I decided that he deserved a little more spotlight then was allowed by his one month out of the year surfacing. Considering I am a musician first and foremost, I wrote a song about him. It came out ok but he still seemed to deserve more. After some deliberation I settled on writing a fiction novel based around him.

It occurred to me that he needed a name. The idea of trying to give a name to this character filled me with dread. I hated trying to come up with names for the bands I was in and this was the same deal. The problem is trying to come up with a name that wasn’t eye-rollingly campy. I decided that since he evolved out of me, I would try to use an anagram of my name. I quickly decided that I don’t have the patience or vocabulary to do this on my own. I resorted to the internet and found an online anagram generator, typed in “Chris Koterba” and hit enter. Scrolling through the result I found it. It was PERFECT. I immediately ran a search on it to see if it was a real person and it wasn’t. I was elated. My character had a name.

Hector Barski

I couldn’t believe my luck. Just saying the name in a lowered voice evokes imagery from any number of slasher flicks (Jason, Freddy, Michel, Hector, ect.) Now that Hector has been identified I could begin writing a novel based on him. There was, of course, one large and looming problem; I don’t know haw to write novels. I have enjoyed reading since I was able to read and still to this day have at least one book that I’m reading. That does not qualify me to write one. I did very poorly in most of my English classes throughout school. Being a slightly dyslexic, left-hander with a hyper-active imagination made several classes very difficult much less a one that required me to write things out in long hand. I believe I am, however, a story-teller at heart so I figured I would give it a try.

I have been working on it sparingly over the last two years. I have spent most of that time researching psycho/sociopaths and various elements of psychology. I have also put together a list of Hector’s victims (58 in total) along with a timeline of when they were killed. This is not a novel that will be seen for quite a while but I am enjoying the creative process involved in slowly illuminating the dark world of Hector Barski.

A Veteran's Day Salute

I would like to offer my most sincere thanks to the men and women of The United States Armed Forces. Your dedication to preserving our way of life requires each of you to possess a unique and admirable amount of courage and selflessness. May you enjoy the peace you help create with those nearest and dearest to you.

Hrrmm

Today we set the clocks back an hour as daylight saving time ends effectively giving us one extra hour. It’s too bad it isn’t always that easy. It’s been a strange day. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was in and out of sleep all night and consequently I’ve felt disjointed all day. I got home and was sitting here half watching a movie and letting my mind kind of wander where it wanted to and I kept thinking about what a person could do if they were granted one additional hour a year with no strings attached. I don’t know what I’d do.

Today I went over to my folk’s house and did some odds and ends for the remodeling they’re finishing up over there. I got to work with my Dad hanging up to things in a closet. I have several friends who would likely love to spend that extra hour with their parents but can’t either because their parents live far away or are no longer with us. After I finished up at my folk’s house, I went to the store and bought groceries and things and came home. I probably spent an hour or so going through the store and picking up things, checking out, coming home and putting things away. I’ll bet there are thousands of people in this country who would love to be able to spend that extra hour getting food and putting it away in an apartment where they are warm and dry. Pondering on this reminds me that I have a great deal of fortune in my life.

I also thought about this as a means to find a different perspective. A wonderful friend of mine mentioned she slept last night with her contacts still in her eyes. Those of us who wear contacts know this is usually a poor idea and the next day everything feels grainy and uncomfortable. Usually, if a person needs corrective lenses and wears contacts, they also have a pair of glasses to wear. I related to her that I once slept in my contacts and in the morning I put my glasses on (out of habit) and had a “Spiderman” moment trying to figure out why my glasses didn’t work anymore. If you’ve ever worn someone else’s glasses your first reaction is to marvel at how weird everything looks. That got me thinking along this line. Wearing corrective lens presumably brings your vision as close to 20/20 as the prescription will allow in effect restoring your vision to that of everyone around you. If you were to have your contacts in and then put on your glasses you could then, in essence, see how strange your point of view is to someone else looking through your glasses.

Is this too deep for a Sunday night? Is it deep at all or am I just being pretentious. I don’t really know. Truthfully, I don’t really care either. I once heard someone say that the minute someone said to him “To tell you the truth” He became wary of everything that person ever said. I also don’t know about the validity of that mantra either but it seemed like a good thing to point out.

I think I’m going to wrap up this little ditty by saying I am whole-heartedly thankful for all of my friends and family. I have the distinct honor of knowing many remarkable people. I think I’m going to spend my extra hour today and think about the people in my life who have and continue to make my trip down this arduous road considerably easier.

The Dark Side of Fun

For thirteen years I have worked every weekend in October at a Halloween attraction called The Haunted Woods sponsored by The Bear Den Zoo in Waterford Wisconsin. It has become such a part of my life that most people who know me don’t even bother asking me to do anything in October because they already know I’m busy. It’s the only thing I plan for. Much like people look forward to hunting season, I look forward to Haunting season.




I started working at The Woods when a girl I was “sort of” seeing, who is related to the family who runs it, asked if I’d be interested in working there. I said sure! I showed up to the planning meeting and introduced myself and was assigned to work an area in the first 1/3rd of the trail. I have worked that same area every year except once when I was at the other end in one of the final scenes. Over the years I have seen and experienced enough craziness to provide me, a storyteller, with hours of material. I have also had the opportunity to study humanity in a specific setting and talk with many people about what frightens them and the whole horror genre in general.

I generally get asked three questions when it is discovered I work at a haunted attraction. The first question is -
“What are you dressed up as?”
My answer is usually,
“Something terrifying, if you want more detail, come and see for yourself.”

This is not an attempt at being a jerk, it is an attempt to get people to buy a ticket and check out this event. I also like to keep a bit of mystique around my character so people don’t call me out when they see me in a scene.

The second question is -
“How Scary is it?”
My answer is usually,
“….umm, I don’t know, it depends. How well do you handle horror movies?”

Horror is a vastly subjective concept. What makes me chuckle might keep someone else awake and crying in a corner for weeks.

The third question is –
“Why do you do it?”
My answer is usually,
“I love doing it!”

This answer is NEVER acceptable on its own. People want to know if I get paid really well, am I some sort of weirdo, or if there are “perks” to the job. In truth, there is reimbursement for time spent working how ever I wouldn’t call it being “well paid”. Anyone who is familiar with me knows I proudly consider myself a weirdo and I have no idea what the hell the “perks” of this job would be. I don’t get free passes to the event to give out if that’s what they’re asking.
My initial answer is still the most honest answer. I genuinely love being a part of this event every year. It’s an improvisational interactive theatrical performance. What I do in our scene is also very physically demanding. I enjoy the feeling of working all my muscles as I’m running, jumping, crouching, and stalking! It is different every time someone enters our scene because everyone entering our scene is different. Some people can go through multiple times and react different each time. It is meant as entertainment which, for me, means even if I fail to get a scare out of them, I will try to get a laugh out of them. My goal is to make sure they have a good time while they’re in the woods.

You learn, if you put forth the effort, which people to interact with. Most people who pay to go to these events love the exhilaration of being scared and for the actor attempting to scare people; it’s a rush when you get them going real good! More often then not when I’m working a crowd, I have a giant grin on my face which is why I wear a mask. I can be right in on someone, just laying it on and they are screaming with full wind but I still see the smile on their face. Sometimes audience members conspire to help me by distracting a target just long enough for me to get in position which is usually right behind them with my face about 6” away from them so when they turn I can roar in their face and get them going crazy! With this sort of proximity there comes physical contact. The official policy is “you don’t touch me and I won’t touch you.” However, basic survival instinct means inevitably I sometimes make contact. During the course of my “scaring career” I have been slapped, shoved, punched, kicked, groped, kissed, lap-danced, and propositioned. I’ve had all sorts of acts offered just so I would stop scaring them. I’ve posed for photos and been given hundreds of high-five’s and fist-bumps. As I said, it is very interactive. You learn who’s reacting normal and acceptable and who is actually trying to hurt people or be a jerk. If someone is acting inappropriately our security team hears about it and those people are dealt with up to and including a call to the police. Most of the time contact with an audience member is a harmless incident and one of the badges of honor you earn as an actor.




You learn who’s scared and loving it, who’s terrified at the moment but will be able to laugh about it eventually, and who is having a real problem dealing with the experience.
I try to coach the other actors in the scene on how to deal with people who just can’t handle the intensity of this event. Sometimes you can get away with just backing off and letting them go and sometimes they need to be allowed to pass up a scene. On occasion we will get someone who is so upset by their experience that they cannot continue. When this occurs in our scene, I usually have one of the actors walk them on a path that leads out and around the attraction so they have a chance to calm down and regain some composure before they leave. The actor that usually does this works as a lifeguard and she is really good at getting people to calm down. She also has first aid training which helps her deal with the occasional person under the influence. Dealing with an audience who might be drunk or stoned is a part of this experience. On the whole though, the majority of the people who come through are having a good time. We get several compliments from people who are impressed with the costumes, the sets and the energy. We also get complimented if we really make someone jump. This is the one time when screaming and running away could illicit a “Thank You” from someone.



I have had the privilege to work with some outstanding people in the woods over the last thirteen years. I have made many friends and shared some great memories. I always look forward to seeing everyone each year and catching up. This year the leader of the scene before mine collected several photographs and assembled a pretty great video. I asked Perry Claeys if I could upload his video to share in this post.

Check This Out.



So there you have it, a small introduction to a very big part of my life. I’m very proud of how far The Haunted Woods has come in the years I’ve been working there. Talking with the organizers, it sounds like even bigger and better things are planned for next year so come on out and see for yourself. It won’t kill you. Heh heh heh…