I had an experience the other day that got me thinking. I was walking to my apartment after work and across the street ahead of me was a group of kids in their early teens screwing around and heading, generally in the same direction as I was going. It was a mix of 3 girls and 4 boys. I saw one of the boys pretend like he was going to lift the shirt up on one of the girls. He was not even close to serious about it and was easily 12 to 14 inches from even touching her. She said “It won’t matter, I’m wearing a bikini top underneath!” to which he (because he’s a guy) replied “I’ll still see ‘em!” No one seemed off put from this exchange and the group didn’t even stop its casual northern movement up the street.
Being that I’m easily a foot and a half taller then any of these kids I caught up with them and moved to the outside of the side walk in order to pass them without slowing down. Once the kids noticed me and saw I was heading in their direction the group came to an immediate halt most of them with their faces aimed at their sneakers looking like cats covered in canary feathers. One of the kids said “Hello Mister.” I said hello. Another kid asked for a high five so I gave him one. He joked about having his arm torn off. Everyone laughed; I smiled as I moved on past them.
As I made my way to my apartment, I reflected on being that age and hanging out with my friends. I tried to imagine how they perceived me. I’ve been told I can be an intimidating individual and my normal facial posture is sometimes confused with a look of anger or disapproval. Did they think I was going to scold them or something? They probably thought I was a mature adult and wouldn’t appreciate their “Tom-Foolery.” Little do they know I saw almost the same scene happen in a bar a few weeks earlier with people twice their age! I see myself as a young guy still trying to get the hang of this whole “adult life” thing I living. I get together with my friends and laugh, play games, tell jokes and stories way, WAY worse then these kids have ever experienced. I astound myself with my immaturity at times. I even joked about this situation on Facebook! FACEBOOK!!
How am I even remotely an adult? I’m a walking disaster of confusion and insecurity. I’m like a teenager without the acne, wondering what’s going to happen tomorrow or if there is even going to be a tomorrow! I wake up every morning panicked about everything I have to do in the teeny tiny amount of time I have on this planet. Constantly wondering if I’m going to walk my road alone or with someone by my side; whether or not I want to start a family. Who will notice when I’m gone.
Then I do the math and realize I started working at my current job before any of those kids were born.
Whoa!
I could, in fact, be any one of those kids’ dads!
WHOA!!
Talk about a reality shot!
I stop and take a breath. Look everything over and decide that it’s because of all of those things that I am an adult. Being a teenager was something that ended for me almost 17 years ago when I turned 20. Most of what I can remember from those years was a deep desire to get the hell out of school and start working for a living mixed with a mild panic about not knowing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and a keen interest in girls I didn’t have the confidence to talk to. Time didn’t seem to be as big a deal as it is to me currently. Nowadays, I seem to feel Every. Grain. Of. Sand. Slip through my fingers. There are many things I can attribute my chronological hyper-awareness to but it doesn’t matter. In the end, I don’t want to end up feeling like I wasted my time here so I try to do what ever I can think of doing. There are plenty of arguments about how to best utilize ones life and I’m not going to delve into that ocean of pontification. I’m always open for a discussion about these things but here is not the place for it. Here is just a place for me to babble about the racket that ricochets within my brain.
So have I gained anything from this experience? Have I discovered the differences in the perception of me? Have any of the last 800 words made a difference in anything.
Probably not.
Those reading this may have their opinions of me swayed a bit but I don’t expect anyone’s’ life will be changed for better or worse. This is not new ground for my inner dialogue either. I sometimes contemplate how the cover of my book is read by others. I can sometimes be consumed by self-consciousness. But today, I just think to myself “Hmm..that was interesting.”
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
In my apartment, everyone can hear you scream.
I am a Sci-Fi movie fan. I am also a Horror movie fan. In 1979 these two genres were combined in a perfect cacophony to form a movie called “Alien”. This is a movie about a crew of space salvage workers who respond to a distress call only to fall victim to a vicious and terrifying creature that would later become known as a Xenomorph.
The Xenomorph, which was designed by artist H.R. Giger, has three main stages of life. The first is that of the “Face-hugger”.
The face-hugger hatches from an egg laid by a queen xenomorph and attaches itself to the face of an available host. It proceeds to lay an egg within the host’s esophagus. Upon completion of this phase, the face-hugger dies and releases its grip. The host plays incubator to the second phase of the alien’s life cycle which is the “Chest-burster”.
As the name implies, when the egg is ready to hatch, the alien does so in a violent ordeal wherein it literally bursts through the chest, killing the host and causing a great deal of agitation amongst anyone in the immediate area. From here we enter the adult stage; the third, final and most notorious stage of the xenomorph’s life cycle.
Once reaching adulthood, the xenomorph goes on to cause general havoc, death, and unpleasantness in the, soon to be ending, lives of all who encounter it, except of course for the sharp witted and tough as nails Warrant Officer, Ellen Ripley.
Three sequels were made from "Alien", all of which showcase silly humans not listening to Ripley and sub-sequentially becoming xenomorph fodder. I love them all. Even the fourth one where Wynona Ryder attempts to play her angsty teen role in a Sci-Fi/Horror setting keeps my attention. I really dig the franchise.
Then along came a movie called “Predator”.
In this little celluloid gem, Arnold “You are one ugly Emmer Effer” Schwarzenegger, Jesse “I ain’t got time to bleed” Ventura and a group of other bad asses head into the jungle only to be picked off one by one by the unfriendly E.T. version of Ted Nugent.
There are some catch phrases and explosions and the movie ends. A sequel with Danny Glover dealing with a Predator in Manhattan followed and was generally dismissed. I dug both of these movies as well, just not with as much fervor as the alien franchise.
You can imagine my excitement when I hear that there was a movie being made that would pit these two awesome creatures against each other.
“No matter who wins…We Lose.” was the tag line for A.V.P (Aliens vs. Predators) and it turned out to be a fun ride. There were a lot of scenes that had a black Alien fighting a camouflaged Predator in a dark room with “DRAMATIC ACTION CAMERA-WORK” which made viewing a bit of a challenge but overall it was enjoyable. The sequel “A.V.P.-Requiem” was a bit of a snooze fest and my least favorite of either family.
So, time passes and one day I find myself wandering aimlessly through Best Buy when I catch a glimpse of a familiar exoskeletal design. I picked up the box and the Death’s Head Hawkmoths in my stomach started to flutter about. I had discovered the “Total Destruction” Box Set which included ALL the Alien movies, BOTH the Predator movies and BOTH the A.V.P. movies!!!
I was ecstatic.
I was also without the proper amount of money to purchase this wonder of wonders so with heavy heart; I put it back on the shelf and went on my way fantasizing about the day I could take that box set home.
That weekend as I was waiting for plans to form I decided to watch “Alien”. Plans never really coagulated so I ended up hanging out in my apartment and watching the first three Alien movies on my own. Awesome! Sometime after midnight, I decided to head off to bed.
I have a condition called “Sleep Apnea” which basically means that I don’t breathe properly when sleeping. This causes daytime tiredness and attention problems but can lead to severe problems culminating in death. It can also put significant stress on the heart causing problems there as well. The most common treatment is the use of a continuous positive airway pressure device or “CPAP” device. These devices come in many forms. I use a mask style that straps to my head and encloses my nose. I have seen a change in daytime energy levels since I started treatment and would recommend anyone who snores heavily to get tested. So I got in bed, put on my mask, and went to sleep.
Here is where certain decision making skills might be reviewed.
Evidently, at some point in the night, I rolled over and the hose from my CPAP mask gently nestled down upon my neck.
I reacted to this by hurdling out of my bed, ripping the mask off my face, and slamming it against the wall by the hose while screaming until I was holding nothing but a ragged fragment of medical tubing. Once I regained my composure, I turned a light on and looked around my room to see bits of my mask scattered everywhere! I chuckled to myself about the story-telling possibilities of this event and proceeded to clean up the fragments and doze in my chair knowing full well I wasn’t sleeping in that bed again that night.
I have replaced my CPAP mask.
I have not bought the box set.
Yet…
The Xenomorph, which was designed by artist H.R. Giger, has three main stages of life. The first is that of the “Face-hugger”.
The face-hugger hatches from an egg laid by a queen xenomorph and attaches itself to the face of an available host. It proceeds to lay an egg within the host’s esophagus. Upon completion of this phase, the face-hugger dies and releases its grip. The host plays incubator to the second phase of the alien’s life cycle which is the “Chest-burster”.
As the name implies, when the egg is ready to hatch, the alien does so in a violent ordeal wherein it literally bursts through the chest, killing the host and causing a great deal of agitation amongst anyone in the immediate area. From here we enter the adult stage; the third, final and most notorious stage of the xenomorph’s life cycle.
Once reaching adulthood, the xenomorph goes on to cause general havoc, death, and unpleasantness in the, soon to be ending, lives of all who encounter it, except of course for the sharp witted and tough as nails Warrant Officer, Ellen Ripley.
Three sequels were made from "Alien", all of which showcase silly humans not listening to Ripley and sub-sequentially becoming xenomorph fodder. I love them all. Even the fourth one where Wynona Ryder attempts to play her angsty teen role in a Sci-Fi/Horror setting keeps my attention. I really dig the franchise.
Then along came a movie called “Predator”.
In this little celluloid gem, Arnold “You are one ugly Emmer Effer” Schwarzenegger, Jesse “I ain’t got time to bleed” Ventura and a group of other bad asses head into the jungle only to be picked off one by one by the unfriendly E.T. version of Ted Nugent.
There are some catch phrases and explosions and the movie ends. A sequel with Danny Glover dealing with a Predator in Manhattan followed and was generally dismissed. I dug both of these movies as well, just not with as much fervor as the alien franchise.
You can imagine my excitement when I hear that there was a movie being made that would pit these two awesome creatures against each other.
“No matter who wins…We Lose.” was the tag line for A.V.P (Aliens vs. Predators) and it turned out to be a fun ride. There were a lot of scenes that had a black Alien fighting a camouflaged Predator in a dark room with “DRAMATIC ACTION CAMERA-WORK” which made viewing a bit of a challenge but overall it was enjoyable. The sequel “A.V.P.-Requiem” was a bit of a snooze fest and my least favorite of either family.
So, time passes and one day I find myself wandering aimlessly through Best Buy when I catch a glimpse of a familiar exoskeletal design. I picked up the box and the Death’s Head Hawkmoths in my stomach started to flutter about. I had discovered the “Total Destruction” Box Set which included ALL the Alien movies, BOTH the Predator movies and BOTH the A.V.P. movies!!!
I was ecstatic.
I was also without the proper amount of money to purchase this wonder of wonders so with heavy heart; I put it back on the shelf and went on my way fantasizing about the day I could take that box set home.
That weekend as I was waiting for plans to form I decided to watch “Alien”. Plans never really coagulated so I ended up hanging out in my apartment and watching the first three Alien movies on my own. Awesome! Sometime after midnight, I decided to head off to bed.
I have a condition called “Sleep Apnea” which basically means that I don’t breathe properly when sleeping. This causes daytime tiredness and attention problems but can lead to severe problems culminating in death. It can also put significant stress on the heart causing problems there as well. The most common treatment is the use of a continuous positive airway pressure device or “CPAP” device. These devices come in many forms. I use a mask style that straps to my head and encloses my nose. I have seen a change in daytime energy levels since I started treatment and would recommend anyone who snores heavily to get tested. So I got in bed, put on my mask, and went to sleep.
Here is where certain decision making skills might be reviewed.
Evidently, at some point in the night, I rolled over and the hose from my CPAP mask gently nestled down upon my neck.
I reacted to this by hurdling out of my bed, ripping the mask off my face, and slamming it against the wall by the hose while screaming until I was holding nothing but a ragged fragment of medical tubing. Once I regained my composure, I turned a light on and looked around my room to see bits of my mask scattered everywhere! I chuckled to myself about the story-telling possibilities of this event and proceeded to clean up the fragments and doze in my chair knowing full well I wasn’t sleeping in that bed again that night.
I have replaced my CPAP mask.
I have not bought the box set.
Yet…
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Grammar Rules
I did very poorly in school with regards to the English language and it's proper use in written for. I found this somewhere and thought it was pretty great so I thought I's share it.
Rules for Grammar
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Rules for Grammar
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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