Entertainment

It was time for new glasses. I had been wearing the pair on my face for over 15 years and decided it was due. I decided to head over to our local Sam’s Club and take advantage of my membership. I parked my car, strode purposefully across the lot and into the store, showing my card at the door with authority. I headed directly to the optical center where I saw, from afar, a woman in a lab coat seated at a desk. I marched right up to her and, displaying the most professional, well adjusted and friendly smile I possessed, promptly asked her how much an eye exam cost. She smile politely up at me and slowly looked to her left. I followed her gaze to what appeared to be a 5 foot tall, 4 foot wide, white display. The words “EYE EXAM - $45” printed in solid black block letters took up almost the entire front of the ad. The sign was less than a foot away from the lady in the lab coat and actually stood a few inches taller. It may have been one of the most obviously signs ever created to inform anyone of anything. I looked at the sign and looked back at the lady in the lab coat. She slowly looked back at me, tilted her head just a bit and smiled a little bit wider.

Or

I was at work and needed some nuts and bolts. The department keeps and assortment of these stocked in bins along the wall at one end of the shop. I walked down to the bins and selected several nuts and bolts so I wouldn’t have to make another trip. The bins were set up in about 10 or 12 columns with 5 or 6 bins to a column. I stood up and took a couple of steps back to get a broad look at the variety of nuts and bolts to see if I might have forgotten something. I was unaware of the fact that on the ground directly behind me were several steel tubes about 6’ long lying flat on the ground. I stepped on the tubes who immediately made it their life’s goal to send me cart-wheeling to disaster in a flurry of arms, legs, flying hardware, and shouted obscenities. Most of me was trying to fall down but various bits of me just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. In an acrobatic display not common to a person of my built, I proceeded to flail about in a generally downward motion and ended up rolling to a stop about five feet from my first ill-placed step. I immediately sprang to my feet and covered in dust and sweat I shot my arm in the air like a gymnast landing a perfect dismount. It was this last triumphant motion that caused several of my fellow coworkers burst into gales of laughter before getting the chance to ask if I was alright.

Or

I have a Commercial Drivers License which allows me to drive vehicles 26,001 lbs or heavier. Simply stated, I have a truck driver’s license. Piloting a vehicle over 13 tons down a road at speeds up to 65 miles an hour naturally requires a person who is in control of the faculties. The company I work for submits it drivers to random D.O.T. drug screens in the form of a urine test. I have no problem with this. I remember one particular test vividly. I arrived at the clinic and signed in. After a short wait, I was taken back to a room by a nurse I’d seen many times over the years. We chatted briefly and she handed me the fabled cup and off I went to prove my integrity. The problem was that this test and been sprung on me moments after using the restroom at work so the tank was mostly empty. I gave it the old “barely made it out of high school” try. I thought of watermelons, dripping faucets, Niagara Falls and JUST made it to the line. I set the cup on the counter, got myself together and reached for the cup, slapping it off the counter and against the wall where it seemed to explode joyously all over the small restroom. I filled my lungs and hemorrhaged a blue streak of language that would make most “Gangsta Rappa’s” blanch. I immediately realized I was in a medical facility and clapped my hands over my mouth, I further realized where my hands have been and was immediately disgusted and mildly gagged a bit. From the other side of the door and carefully but barely controlled voice asked if everything was ok... I explained that it was not. I apologized profusely for what had happened and took some relief in the nurse trembling with silent laughter. Because this is a D.O.T. drug test, I can not leave until I provide a sample so 3 cups of coffee and 2 bottles of water later, I was finally able to deliver the required level and was on my way back to work to explain why a simple drug test took me over two hours to complete.

These are funny stories. I know they’re funny because I laughed when it happened, I’ve made other people laugh when telling them in person, and I’m chuckling inwardly to myself as I write about them now. These stories are meant as entertainment but they also happen to be true. They actually happened and I know that because they actually happened to me. I am 1 person out of 64,000 people in Waukesha County where I live and 1 out of 2.6 million people in America. If I have three of these stories, just imagine some of the stories other people have. With such a massive goldmine of entertainment at our disposal, one has to wonder why we need TV shows like “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” which take the wonderful and exquisite idea of a relationship and covers it with a layer of douche-baggery so thick it stains the Television screen. Just how moronic do the people who produce and offer these shows as our entertainment think we are? It just makes me wonder, don’t you? I think I’ll go read a book. If you care to join me, click here.

Holiday Shopping!

Black Friday has come and gone for another year. You survived! You may have even gotten some shopping done. You scan the list of people you are buying gifts for and there, like a little smiling cloud, is the one person on your list that makes shopping feel like an endurance test. Every year it’s the same thing;

- “What would you like for Christmas?”

- “Hmm..I dunno, Whatever, I really don’t need anything.”

- “OK, well..is there anything you’ve wanted but haven’t gotten around to buying?”

- “Umm, Not Really, If I need something I usually get it myself, and if I don’t have it, that must mean I don’t need it. Plus anything frivolous cost more than I’d want you to spend on me.”

- “Well, I’d like to get you a gift, but I don’t want to buy something and have it turn out to be something you don’t have even the remotest amount of interest in and end up moving around for 20 years before giving it away at a “White Elephant” party. So please, PLEASE give me some sort of clue as to anything you might have ever shown interest in but decided not to purchase for whatever reason!”

- “Hmm, I can’t think of anything, I’m sure whatever you find will be wonderful. It’s the thought that counts after all.”

- “%@#$!”


You end up stressing, pulling your hair out, and swearing at snowmen until one day you snap and attack a Christmas Tree display in order to kill that damn chirping bird that seems to be following you all over the store.

Why can’t they just tell you what they want!? Anything, any slightest suggestion will do!

I know about those people because I have been one of those people and I have tried to shop for those people. It’s sort of a mental condition. Honestly, we are not trying to torment you. We just feel uncomfortable asking for things. My mind would go completely blank at the mere mention of Christmas or Birthday wishes. If breathing and circulation were not reflex actions, I’d have been out for the count.

So taking that in mind, I have compiled a few websites where you might find not only something you can buy for that difficult person, but something they will actually use.

Here we go.

The Duluth Trading Company
www.duluthtrading.com
This is THE website for those people on your list who are active at work or at play. They carry some of the most unique items designed for the physically active person. I am a regular visitor to this site for clothing, accessories and accouterments.


Garret Wade
www.garrettwade.com
For the hobbyist or handyman, check out some of the tools available here. Woodworking, Shop tools, Outdoors, or Home & Office, there are plenty of things to get someone who is practical and difficult to shop for.


Think Geek
www.thinkgeek.com
Got a difficult shopper who can quote all 6 Star Wars movies, knows the answer to “Life, The Universe, and Everything” (hint- what’s 6 x 7), and is constantly answering questions about computers for all your relatives? Then head over to this site and go nuts. Anyone interested in Science fiction, technology or computer gaming will appreciate what this site has to offer.


Mom and Pop Soap Shop
www.momandpopsoapshop.com
Hopefully, everyone you know has a desire to be clean. (hygienically anyway, this is an article about holiday gift giving so gifts for the naughty bits you’ll have to handle on your own… Double entendre’ intended) Ahem.. Anyway, I discovered “Mom and Pop Soap Shop” quite by accident. You can read about it here. They provide a large list of high quality hand made soaps for a wonderful, low price. You can select from a wide variety of pre-made soaps or you can custom order soaps to your own specification. I, personally, use their shave soap and it is top notch!!


Urban Outfitters
www.urbanoutfitters.com
“Gosh, I don’t know what to get So-and-so, they have an apartment in the city, they’re kinda artsy and fashionable and I’m at a loss for ideas. Stop fretting! Swing on over to Urban Outfitters and have a look around. They offer a wide selection of unique and fashionable, trendy items for your college student or anyone else who appears hip. I dig some of their Audio/Visual/Computer related items. This is also the only site on the list that features a nation chain of physical locations so you can check to see if there is a store nearby. This may, in fact, be a very good idea. Many of the items on this site are subject to personal taste and something you think might be nifty and chic, your gift recipient may find gaudy and nauseating.

Well, there you have it. Five more options then you had at the beginning of this article. I hope this helps alleviate some of the holiday shopping stress. Remember, when dealing with these sorts of people, you can rarely go wrong with gift cards. A gift card shows at least a little consideration for those people’s interests, and if all else fails, give them some green. Cash is sometimes considered tacky but, hey, you asked them what they wanted and they failed to provide a commercial compass for you. If they think it’s tacky and admonishes you for giving it, maybe Santa will have to make a note on his list!

Please remember to be patient with your fellow shoppers and store clerks, they may not have the luxury of my insights;)
Please try to smile as often as possible. I bit of sunshine from you might brighten someone’s day just enough to see some hope in the distance.
I wish the very best for you and everyone you know and love. Let those you care about know it.

Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
And may your 2011 be the best twelve months you’ve ever lived.

Sincerely
Chris Koterba

That one night in ???

It is a small bar, kind of dingy and disheveled with neon in the windows that matched the tired sag of the building.

A gravel mud-pit parking lot plays host a myriad of vehicles in various states of disrepair and modification.

It is the type of bar that you wouldn’t really notice as you drove by unless it was raining.

Stepping in the front door offers a buffet of sensory input.

Your nose is offered up a potpourri of fragrances including sawdust, beer, whiskey, cigarette smoke, pool cue chalk, field mud, cut grass, sweat, and bar food with an underlying hint of debt collection, divorce and despair.

Your ears are treated to a softly undulating din consisting of the idle murmur of farmers and hunters taking a break from the fields, the banter of blue collar workers as they drink away their paychecks, the plaintiff moaning of country music intermixed with the sexual innuendo of hair metal, the clink of glasses and the cracking of pool balls.

Your eyes witness the spectacle of the Middle American low common denominator as they co-mingle in a stew of jeans, Harley patches, boots, tattoos, mullets, crew cuts, and T-shirts covered in bumper sticker philosophy.

Elbowing up to the bar you flag down the barmaid who is now in her early twenties but will likely live herself into her forties before the decade is over, tattooed and pierced to give the illusion of having three left nipples, and order a beer.

As she walks away to get your beer, you pull your eyes off the shorts she’s barely wearing to survey the room and you see three guys setting up band equipment over in the corner.

A question to the barmaid as she brings you your beer with a sidecar of flirty facial expressions confirms that the band is of the local variety, common to this establishment and will begin around 9 pm.

The clock hands meander their way through the evening as you continue renting your barstool and glances at the barmaid.

The music is cut off in mid-boot scoot and the band in the corner swings into the first song of what will become a four hour show, complete with Chuck Berry guitar tricks, groovegasmic bass solos, and a drum solo that lands the entire bar back in 1986.

The undulating din has been replaced by the frantic noise of invading troops and the bar hemorrhages beverages at a near fatal rate. The band is raining sweat as it moves with the music and the bar crowd sways along like a Cobra in the trance of a blues rock snake charmer. The bar, once tired and sagging, is now alive and breathing, drunk and lusting, seconds from combusting and on the verge of collapse. You are completely swept up in the experience, drunk on music and beer, not concerned at all with how you’re getting home or where you’re going to sleep because at some point in the night, a woman has seen fit to graft herself to your right arm, and though you have a suspicion you may be considering coyotes in the morning, most of your decisions are being made by other organs.

The words “Thanks G’nite” cause you to cast a bleary eye up at the clock and say hello to one thirty.

Between bouts of what seems to be recreational CPR with the woman who appears hell bent on sharing the cloths you’re wearing you survey the scene.

The band is packing up their equipment, carrying pitchers, bottles and shot glasses up to the bar by the armload, and trying not to step on the casualties of the night’s festivities who litter the barroom.

You are led outside by your newest, soon to be, regret and poured into the front seat of a rusted and noisy mid-80’s Camero decaled with cartoon characters urinating on various items, but not before slurring admiration to the bands bass player for his awesome performance of “Pink Cadillac” while laying on the pool table and smoking a cigarette, to which he says “Thanks!”

As you ride away into the night, that little bar on the corner of “Nowhere” and “Special” seems to sag back into its accustomed position then to fade into the inky country night all together.

It was a brief moment in the years you will spend alive but you will remember it fondly for a long, long time, or most of it anyway, and when, by chance, you happen to drive past that intersection, a small but evident pang will slip across your heart as you find an abandoned lonely patch of overgrown grass where that little bar used to sag and a gravel mud-pit parking lot played host a myriad of vehicles in various states of disrepair and modification.

Something Random

I have recently discovered a large community of bloggers dedicated to horror movies. The first one I found was “Day of the Woman” and quickly discovered “Fascination with Fear.” Both of these blogs are by women and both are very, very good. The reviews I’ve read were insightful and well delivered, and the advice regarding movies is well worth noting. Please spend a few hours and surf their entries. You will njot regret it!
I stole this subject from Fascination with Fear who, in turn, stole it from Final Girl - she has it somewhere in her blog, I think like two years ago or something...

She titled it 'Pretend you care...', and I think that about sums it up.
My answers might not all be horror-related, but I'll try.
Here goes:

1) Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:
Star Wars (The original trilogy)

2) Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater:
Star Wars – Episode I – Only because I was in a band with a Star Wars Fan

3) Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:
Simon Pegg – I have never been let down by one of the movies he’s been in.
Mila Jovavich – She’s a great actress, does a lot of her own stunts, and I’m a guy.

4) Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:
-Will Farrel – No Problem, short of a couple of indie films (Stranger than Fiction and Winter Passing) I generally can’t stand the characters he plays.
-Sara Michelle Geller – Her face never changes…EVER

5) Name a movie that you can and do quote from:
Star Wars - Obviously

6) Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs:
I don’t know all the lyric I’ve written much less in a musical, but “Sweeny Todd” and “The Triplets of Bellview” both have tunes I can hum along with.

7) Name a movie that you have been known to sing along to:
Return of the Jedi – The Ewok celebration theme.

8) Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:
The Triplets of Bellview – It’s an animated silent film (there are no real dialogue scenes in the film)

9) Name a movie that you own:
I’m glad to see these aren’t vague questions. I own “Wolf Creek” which is one of the most brutal, disturbing movies in my collection.

10) Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:
Justin Timberlake – His music makes me want to eat chalk but he has been pretty good in the films I’ve seen him in.

11) Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in; If so, what?
I saw “Gremlins” at the Drive –In when it came out. More accurately I hid in the back seat while the movie played I also remember going with my Dad to see E.T. at a drive in.

12) Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to yet.
[rec.] – The Spanish original version of Quarantine.

13) Ever walked out of a movie?
Nope – Way too expensive!

14) Name a movie that made you cry in the theater:
I got lumps in my throat at the end of “The Mist” and “The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy” primarily due to the elation of seeing scenes from books I love adapted to the screen better than I could have ever hoped.

15) Popcorn?
At home, if I have any micro-pop in the cupboard but at the movie it’s too expensive and is a distraction from the movie.

16) How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
I am a big Netflix fan and again with money being what it is. I’d say 12 out of every 100 movies I see in the theater.

17) What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

18) What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Sci-Fi/Action/Horror


19) What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
Either “101 Dalmatians” or “The Fox and The Hound”

20) What movie do you wish you had never seen?
Bloodrayne – Damn my male-driven decision making skills regarding sexy Terminators

21) What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
As in “YOU liked than movie?!” probably “Amelie”
As in “WTF did I just watch?!” probably – A Clockwork Orange”

22) What is the scariest movie you've seen?
Sadly- “The Ring” ruined my ability to sleep in the same room with a closet or play VHS tapes for weeks.

23) What is the funniest movie you've seen?
The Ghost and Mr. Chicken – Don Knotts + Haunted mansion = ruptured spleen

Farscape From Women

Between March 19, 1999 and March 21, 2003, there was a television show that aired on the Sci-Fi Channel here in Wisconsin. The show follows the adventures of an astronaut who gets pulled into a wormhole in space/time and dumped out into a different universe. There he is rescued by a ship of fugitives on the run. The show was called Farscape, and I am a fan!



I watched a good deal of the series while it aired but missed the last part of season 3 and all of season 4. It was released a few years later on VHS and then on DVD. I bought the first few tapes but couldn’t afford to keep buying them. Then one year, for my birthday, my friend Erik bought me Season 1 on DVD. I was delighted! I quickly immersed myself in the show watching the season, one episode after another. I chewed through the season like a zombie through the top of your head! And then I watched it all over again. It was great!!

At this time, I was working 3rd shift so the routine was this; work Monday night through Thursday night 7:30 pm until 6:00 am, join society Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then Sunday night I would stay up all night so I could sleep Monday before work. One Sunday, as I drove home from my parent’s house, I realized it was imperative that I buy The Second Season of Farscape and watch it that night! I had no choice! So I headed over to my local Best Buy, power walked back to the DVD isle, scanned the titles found the Farscape section and immediately realized they had every season, except the one I needed! The frustration was immense. I scanned the area, hoping someone put it where it didn’t belong. No Such Luck! So, dejected, I started walking away when a young girl approached me and said “Is there anything I can do for you?” I said “As a matter of fact there is! I am looking for The Second Season of Farscape and I see that there is every season except the second season on the shelf, which is a bummer because I can’t watch the third and the fourth season without watching the second season to see what happened so I won’t be lost and miserable and I know it seems like a trivial thing to worry about but I am a fan and we get like this some times (DEEP INHALE)!” Surprisingly, she didn’t seem too put off by my ravings and said that she wanted to check the computer to see if there were some in the back or at another location.

After looking at the screen for a couple of minutes she frowned and said that inventory claims they have one on the shelf. I explained that being built like I am and blinded by a driving geekish need to see this show that I may have over looked it. After studying the shelf for a while she says, with a mix of disgust and frustration, that it was likely shop lifted. “I hate shoplifters!” she says, “They screw up inventory, cost us money, and disappoint our good customers like you. If I ever caught one I’d stomp them down with my big old feet!” Automatically, I looked down, assessed the size of her feet in comparison to her frame and made the determination that they were an appropriate size for her and stated as much. She smiled and said “Thanks, you’re sweet.” She then reminded me that one of the other locations had two copies in stock and that I had time to go there and pick one up.

I quickly thanked her and said that if she ever did get the chance to take out a shoplifter, to get in a couple of good jabs for me. She smiled and said, “I sure will, but I’ll probably have to take my shirt of if I do.” I only briefly thought about this and assumed the store has a strict “Zero Customer Ass-Kicking Tolerance” policy. I jumped in my car and headed for 76th street. Once parked, I headed inside, through the doors, past the greeter, straight to the movie department. I quickly scanned the shelves with baited breath. Then the clouds parted, sunlight splashed all around, and Angels with golden horns trumpeted as I held in my trembling, geek-sweaty hands The Second Season of Farscape! Much like Gollum, I clutched “my precious” and made a beeline for checkout! I stood in line admiring my new obsession and realized, after a short while of day-dreaming about the wonders I will witness as soon as I get home, that I was, in fact, not actually making much progress at getting home. The person in front of me currently checking out seemed to be involved in a conversation with the checkout girl. I was a bit annoyed but quickly sank back into a land Far, Farscape away. (Wink, wink, see what I did there? Heh heh snort)

Anyway!

I was soon jolted out of my fantasy buy the arrival of a mother and two children behind me. I realized I was still waiting to check out. I then began to focus on the situation in front of me to determine what the hold up was. The gentleman in front of me was a handsome, fit man in his late fifties or early sixties, dressed in a suit that looked like it probable had a set of BMW keys in one of the pockets. He was smiling at the checkout girl in a fashion that made you want to avert children’s eyes and maybe hand the all the women in the area an extra layer of baggy clothing. The checkout girl was smiling back at him with a “I need this job to much to run screaming away from you” smile.

It appears as though Grampa Gotrocks is flirting with this girl and doesn’t seem willing to grasp her refusal. She asks him “Will this be cash or credit?” to which he responds with “Well, I could pay for this with cash or I could use a credit card and use the cash to take you out to dinner.” She wisely doesn’t react and the man gives her his credit card. Because he uses a credit card, she is forced to ask for his phone number. His smile grows a bit bigger and drips a little more grease and he produces a silver card case, extracts a business card (add favorite “American Psycho” quote here) and writes his phone number on the back and put it on the little counter thing you use to write out checks and says “Here you go sweetheart, you can call it anytime!”

It’s at this point I decide to break one of the social rules involved in shopping which is “Do not stick your nose into other peoples business unless you want them to stick their nose in yours!” It was clear to me that this man wanted to stick something somewhere but my immediate cause of irritation was his interference in my attempt to purchase and absorb The Second Season of Farscape! I stepped forward and with as pleasant and non-threatening a voice as I could muster I said “Sir? Pardon my interruption, but if you look straight out the window here in front of us you will see 76th street on which there are any numbers of bars, clubs, and restaurants where in you would have a chance to meet single women who are actually looking for a companion. There is even a good chance you will find one a little more suited to your age bracket who remembers growing up in the ’40 and the two of you could share stories about D-day and discussing whether “Rosie the Riveter” was hot or not and then you wouldn’t have to waste your time while embarrassing this young lady who is trying to do her job.

There was a moment of tense silence and the gentleman stared at me while I politely smiled at him. “Well!” the man exclaimed as he grabbed his bag and stormed off muttering about respect and minding one’s own business. As I said, it wasn’t my place to interject but desire for Sci-Fi is an unrelenting beast so my hand was forced. I smiled at the cashier and apologized for the male gender. I said it was men like him that make me embarrassed to be a man to which she replied, “You have no reason to be embarrassed, you’re sweet for telling that guy off.” I said thanks and proceeded to purchase The Second Season of Farscape!!!! As I picked up my beloved acquisition, I said to the cashier that I hoped the rest of her was good. She replied that she would and wished me the same and said “Thanks again, that was really sweet of you.” I said “you’re welcome” and blasted out of there. One hour later, I was at home, in my “Redneck Tuxedo” (boxers, white tank top, and bathrobe) eating pizza and fully engrossed in the best show ever aired on the Sci-Fi Network!

It was several hours later while watching our heroes attempting to survive the harsh existence of life on the run in the uncharted territories when in a scene between Aeryn Sun and John Crichton; Aeryn does this thing with her tongue that made me raise my eyebrow. It was sort of a roll/wave/flicker movement all with a set of "smokey eyes". It was at that moment I thought to myself; “Mmmm, I like women, it would be great to have a girlfriend. I wish I knew some girls who were interested in….wait, “Thanks, you’re sweet.”…..“You have no reason to be embarrassed; you’re sweet for telling that guy off.”…“Thanks again, that was really sweet of you.”...Ohhhh MAAAAN! I totally missed that! Damn It!!”

I think I may have actually said “Aw Crap” outload as I got up and got a beer and some left over cold pizza and resumed watching The Second Season of Farscape!!!!

Alone.

I was eventually rescued from my ignorance induced exile from the world of relationships by a wonderfully persistent woman, who patiently deals with my cluelessness with a smile. She is great and she doesn’t need some fancy tongue moves to prove it!