I recently played a gig at The Rave in Milwaukee. I have been going to this venue to see bands since my early teens and have had the opportunity to play there a few times. Each time I step on one of the stages in that building I get a thrill because even if the magnitude is insignificant, I still feel a closer bond to the bands I saw and loved. I like to think that the energy expelled at every concert gets absorbed into the wood and bricks that form those walls and I am honored to have my energy mingling there with everyone else.
For this show I decided to tell of my journey from teenager to performer and from watching a performance in this building to giving one.
Here is that show
I hope you enjoyed watching it. I enjoyed performing.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
In my apartment, everyone can hear you scream.
I am a Sci-Fi movie fan. I am also a Horror movie fan. In 1979 these two genres were combined in a perfect cacophony to form a movie called “Alien”. This is a movie about a crew of space salvage workers who respond to a distress call only to fall victim to a vicious and terrifying creature that would later become known as a Xenomorph.
The Xenomorph, which was designed by artist H.R. Giger, has three main stages of life. The first is that of the “Face-hugger”.
The face-hugger hatches from an egg laid by a queen xenomorph and attaches itself to the face of an available host. It proceeds to lay an egg within the host’s esophagus. Upon completion of this phase, the face-hugger dies and releases its grip. The host plays incubator to the second phase of the alien’s life cycle which is the “Chest-burster”.
As the name implies, when the egg is ready to hatch, the alien does so in a violent ordeal wherein it literally bursts through the chest, killing the host and causing a great deal of agitation amongst anyone in the immediate area. From here we enter the adult stage; the third, final and most notorious stage of the xenomorph’s life cycle.
Once reaching adulthood, the xenomorph goes on to cause general havoc, death, and unpleasantness in the, soon to be ending, lives of all who encounter it, except of course for the sharp witted and tough as nails Warrant Officer, Ellen Ripley.
Three sequels were made from "Alien", all of which showcase silly humans not listening to Ripley and sub-sequentially becoming xenomorph fodder. I love them all. Even the fourth one where Wynona Ryder attempts to play her angsty teen role in a Sci-Fi/Horror setting keeps my attention. I really dig the franchise.
Then along came a movie called “Predator”.
In this little celluloid gem, Arnold “You are one ugly Emmer Effer” Schwarzenegger, Jesse “I ain’t got time to bleed” Ventura and a group of other bad asses head into the jungle only to be picked off one by one by the unfriendly E.T. version of Ted Nugent.
There are some catch phrases and explosions and the movie ends. A sequel with Danny Glover dealing with a Predator in Manhattan followed and was generally dismissed. I dug both of these movies as well, just not with as much fervor as the alien franchise.
You can imagine my excitement when I hear that there was a movie being made that would pit these two awesome creatures against each other.
“No matter who wins…We Lose.” was the tag line for A.V.P (Aliens vs. Predators) and it turned out to be a fun ride. There were a lot of scenes that had a black Alien fighting a camouflaged Predator in a dark room with “DRAMATIC ACTION CAMERA-WORK” which made viewing a bit of a challenge but overall it was enjoyable. The sequel “A.V.P.-Requiem” was a bit of a snooze fest and my least favorite of either family.
So, time passes and one day I find myself wandering aimlessly through Best Buy when I catch a glimpse of a familiar exoskeletal design. I picked up the box and the Death’s Head Hawkmoths in my stomach started to flutter about. I had discovered the “Total Destruction” Box Set which included ALL the Alien movies, BOTH the Predator movies and BOTH the A.V.P. movies!!!
I was ecstatic.
I was also without the proper amount of money to purchase this wonder of wonders so with heavy heart; I put it back on the shelf and went on my way fantasizing about the day I could take that box set home.
That weekend as I was waiting for plans to form I decided to watch “Alien”. Plans never really coagulated so I ended up hanging out in my apartment and watching the first three Alien movies on my own. Awesome! Sometime after midnight, I decided to head off to bed.
I have a condition called “Sleep Apnea” which basically means that I don’t breathe properly when sleeping. This causes daytime tiredness and attention problems but can lead to severe problems culminating in death. It can also put significant stress on the heart causing problems there as well. The most common treatment is the use of a continuous positive airway pressure device or “CPAP” device. These devices come in many forms. I use a mask style that straps to my head and encloses my nose. I have seen a change in daytime energy levels since I started treatment and would recommend anyone who snores heavily to get tested. So I got in bed, put on my mask, and went to sleep.
Here is where certain decision making skills might be reviewed.
Evidently, at some point in the night, I rolled over and the hose from my CPAP mask gently nestled down upon my neck.
I reacted to this by hurdling out of my bed, ripping the mask off my face, and slamming it against the wall by the hose while screaming until I was holding nothing but a ragged fragment of medical tubing. Once I regained my composure, I turned a light on and looked around my room to see bits of my mask scattered everywhere! I chuckled to myself about the story-telling possibilities of this event and proceeded to clean up the fragments and doze in my chair knowing full well I wasn’t sleeping in that bed again that night.
I have replaced my CPAP mask.
I have not bought the box set.
Yet…
The Xenomorph, which was designed by artist H.R. Giger, has three main stages of life. The first is that of the “Face-hugger”.
The face-hugger hatches from an egg laid by a queen xenomorph and attaches itself to the face of an available host. It proceeds to lay an egg within the host’s esophagus. Upon completion of this phase, the face-hugger dies and releases its grip. The host plays incubator to the second phase of the alien’s life cycle which is the “Chest-burster”.
As the name implies, when the egg is ready to hatch, the alien does so in a violent ordeal wherein it literally bursts through the chest, killing the host and causing a great deal of agitation amongst anyone in the immediate area. From here we enter the adult stage; the third, final and most notorious stage of the xenomorph’s life cycle.
Once reaching adulthood, the xenomorph goes on to cause general havoc, death, and unpleasantness in the, soon to be ending, lives of all who encounter it, except of course for the sharp witted and tough as nails Warrant Officer, Ellen Ripley.
Three sequels were made from "Alien", all of which showcase silly humans not listening to Ripley and sub-sequentially becoming xenomorph fodder. I love them all. Even the fourth one where Wynona Ryder attempts to play her angsty teen role in a Sci-Fi/Horror setting keeps my attention. I really dig the franchise.
Then along came a movie called “Predator”.
In this little celluloid gem, Arnold “You are one ugly Emmer Effer” Schwarzenegger, Jesse “I ain’t got time to bleed” Ventura and a group of other bad asses head into the jungle only to be picked off one by one by the unfriendly E.T. version of Ted Nugent.
There are some catch phrases and explosions and the movie ends. A sequel with Danny Glover dealing with a Predator in Manhattan followed and was generally dismissed. I dug both of these movies as well, just not with as much fervor as the alien franchise.
You can imagine my excitement when I hear that there was a movie being made that would pit these two awesome creatures against each other.
“No matter who wins…We Lose.” was the tag line for A.V.P (Aliens vs. Predators) and it turned out to be a fun ride. There were a lot of scenes that had a black Alien fighting a camouflaged Predator in a dark room with “DRAMATIC ACTION CAMERA-WORK” which made viewing a bit of a challenge but overall it was enjoyable. The sequel “A.V.P.-Requiem” was a bit of a snooze fest and my least favorite of either family.
So, time passes and one day I find myself wandering aimlessly through Best Buy when I catch a glimpse of a familiar exoskeletal design. I picked up the box and the Death’s Head Hawkmoths in my stomach started to flutter about. I had discovered the “Total Destruction” Box Set which included ALL the Alien movies, BOTH the Predator movies and BOTH the A.V.P. movies!!!
I was ecstatic.
I was also without the proper amount of money to purchase this wonder of wonders so with heavy heart; I put it back on the shelf and went on my way fantasizing about the day I could take that box set home.
That weekend as I was waiting for plans to form I decided to watch “Alien”. Plans never really coagulated so I ended up hanging out in my apartment and watching the first three Alien movies on my own. Awesome! Sometime after midnight, I decided to head off to bed.
I have a condition called “Sleep Apnea” which basically means that I don’t breathe properly when sleeping. This causes daytime tiredness and attention problems but can lead to severe problems culminating in death. It can also put significant stress on the heart causing problems there as well. The most common treatment is the use of a continuous positive airway pressure device or “CPAP” device. These devices come in many forms. I use a mask style that straps to my head and encloses my nose. I have seen a change in daytime energy levels since I started treatment and would recommend anyone who snores heavily to get tested. So I got in bed, put on my mask, and went to sleep.
Here is where certain decision making skills might be reviewed.
Evidently, at some point in the night, I rolled over and the hose from my CPAP mask gently nestled down upon my neck.
I reacted to this by hurdling out of my bed, ripping the mask off my face, and slamming it against the wall by the hose while screaming until I was holding nothing but a ragged fragment of medical tubing. Once I regained my composure, I turned a light on and looked around my room to see bits of my mask scattered everywhere! I chuckled to myself about the story-telling possibilities of this event and proceeded to clean up the fragments and doze in my chair knowing full well I wasn’t sleeping in that bed again that night.
I have replaced my CPAP mask.
I have not bought the box set.
Yet…
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Grammar Rules
I did very poorly in school with regards to the English language and it's proper use in written for. I found this somewhere and thought it was pretty great so I thought I's share it.
Rules for Grammar
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Rules for Grammar
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A little rhyme and meter
Here I toil with furrowed brow
Through memory’s mud I dredge and plow
Through the fog to grasp the chance
To bring forth tales of happenstance
Letters from the QWERTY jumble
Attempt to place with little fumble
Finding phonics single fingered
Webster’s ulcer constant linger
Be it numerous tales of blue collar folly
Or Michelin Women as big as a trolley
Escapades of a caveman in civilization
Oblivious reaction to the female persuasion
A boisterous blues/rock band playing the loop
In dive bars, and greenhouses, and old chicken coups
An assortment of occasions of hyper caffeination
A zombie apocalypse from rampant imagination
So join me on this joyride down Recollection Avenue
With an in-transit meal of memory you can chew
I promise a cavalcade of stories and fun
In the forth coming year of two zero one one
Through memory’s mud I dredge and plow
Through the fog to grasp the chance
To bring forth tales of happenstance
Letters from the QWERTY jumble
Attempt to place with little fumble
Finding phonics single fingered
Webster’s ulcer constant linger
Be it numerous tales of blue collar folly
Or Michelin Women as big as a trolley
Escapades of a caveman in civilization
Oblivious reaction to the female persuasion
A boisterous blues/rock band playing the loop
In dive bars, and greenhouses, and old chicken coups
An assortment of occasions of hyper caffeination
A zombie apocalypse from rampant imagination
So join me on this joyride down Recollection Avenue
With an in-transit meal of memory you can chew
I promise a cavalcade of stories and fun
In the forth coming year of two zero one one
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Laughing in the New Year
During the near 15 years I’ve spent working at my current job, I’ve worked on all three shifts in the service department and during that time I have gained a plethora of stories. To help set the scene I will explain that I work for a company that builds and sells utility trucks the power companies use to put up telephone poles and repair power lines and trim tree and such. Some of the trucks dig holes with large drill-bits called “Augers” and some have buckets on them to lift people high in the air. I’ve proud of the company I work for and the equipment it produces and have enjoyed the experiences it has provided. In celebration of the coming New Year, here are three stories that occurred during my time on 3rd shift. There were three of us working third at the time; myself, Jeremy and Randy, who was the team leader on the shift. We worked a 4/10 shift meaning we worked 10 hours a day 4 days in a row usually 7:30 pm to 6 am Monday – Thursday. It was a great shift and I learned a lot from both Jeremy and Randy during that time. I remember once…
We had had a really tough night trying to remove a large steel hinge pin that held the boom to the truck. The pin was probably about 4” in diameter and around 2’ long and rusted in place. We spent most of the evening heating the sockets that held the pin in place and pounding on it with a sledge hammer. Eventually we moved to pneumatic jack-hammer and after several hours we got it apart, but it fought us the entire way. Around 5:30 am 1st shift would start to show up and Randy would meet with the day shift team leader to get him up to speed with what we accomplished on 3rd so work could be continued. During this time, Jeremy and I would put away our tools, fill out our paperwork and clean up to go home.
On this morning, clean up took less time because we were only on one truck most of the night so Jeremy went outside to have a smoke and I joined him just to get out of the shop for a couple of minutes even though I don’t smoke. It was winter time and while we were standing there and I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a very large snow pile over in a corner of the parking lot about 75 yards away. Abandoning all reason and with a foolish chuckle I took off running at this snow pile with visions of childhood playground antics flickering through my over-tired brain. Considering the distance from the pile, I had gathered quite the amount of momentum when I reached the pile and dove, shoulder first, into what I expected to be a cloud of feathers and marshmallows.
It turned out, instead, to be an oppressive mountain of concrete and anvils.
It hadn’t occurred to me that the last time it snowed had been several days ago, thus allowing this innocent snow pile melt and freeze a few times. As I collided with this unyielding blockade of joy all the air I had taken for granted moments ago left me like a kid from a Christmas sweater. I, in fact, bounced off and landed in a crumpled, bruised and gasping heap on the frosty asphalt. I didn’t even leave a mark much less visible evidence that I had hurled my entire weight at Frosty’s obese evil cousin.
After a couple of minutes to reboot the software in my head and do a systems check for any obvious damage, I slowly got up and limped back to where Jeremy was standing. After a couple of seconds of silence he asked without looking at me “Sooo, How’d that work out for you?” I remained quiet until we went inside.
…
We usually took a break around midnight or 1 A.M. depending on the jobs we were doing. I remember we were sitting down near the coffee pot we had out in Service eating when we heard a noise come from the Bay 6 Service door. For Perspective, the service shop has 10 work bays each with a large garage door big enough to allow a full size utility truck to drive inside. In the garage door in bay 6 there is also a small man sized service door that can be used to go in and out of the shop. We looked at each other then looked in the direction of bay 6 and we see a woman emerge from between the trucks in bays 5 & 6 and asked “Can someone jump me?”
This, in fact, rarely occurs.
As from one of the stories that men allegedly read in those magazines featuring bow-tied bunnies, a dazzling, and somewhat tipsy, woman in a tight black cocktail dress and high heels has just walked into our service shop in the middle of the night and asked for automotive assistance in the form of zesty innuendo. After a quick, muttered deliberation, it is decided I will go forth and see how this adventure plays out. I ask where her car is at and she explains that she is parked in the lot across the street by a small office building. I tell her I will meet her over there.
As I pull into the lot, I see her standing next to an S.U.V. with the hood up and accompanied by yet another well dressed woman. I begin to wonder if there are camera men in the trees or hidden around somewhere until I see a sharp dressed man step into view. “Oh well”- I think to myself and pull up in front of the dead vehicle. I get out, get my cable from the trunk and begin hooking the two vehicles up all the while being showered with “Thank You’s” and praise for doing this. The story comes out that there had been a celebration that evening and of the trio before me, the man was the only one sober enough to drive, although I believe a breathalyzer may have had a differing opinion.
I quickly got the vehicle started, disconnected the cables, and put them away. As I was turning away from closing my trunk I was hugged first by the lady who came into the shop and then by her friend. The man made an offer of payment, but I declined and asked that he help someone else out should he get the opportunity. He then demanded giving me a beer which I refused because I was, after all, still on the clock. In the end I agreed to take three cans, one for each of us on 3rd, and have them with the guys at the end of the shift. He shook my hand and we parted ways. He went home with two beautiful women and I went back to the shop where I was asked about a magazine ending of the story. Sadly, the article was more Popular Mechanics then Playboy.
…
The trucks we work on are big. They commonly have equipment mounted on them that can lift a person 55’ to 90’ in the air. When these units are stored for transport the booms often hang out in front of the cab. Consequently, being a mechanic working on these units requires you to work on ladders often. These machines lead hard lives working in harsh weather conditions and sometimes not subject to the maintenance recommended by the manufacturer and so the use of a hammer is sometimes needed to encourage forward progress of a task. In other words, sometimes you have to smack the crap out of something to get it apart or put it together and often you have to do it standing 8’ off the floor.
One day, I was tasked with removing a metal bracket that was no longer needed from the side of the boom. The bracket was a plate with a lip on the outer edge that was welded to the boom and resembled a small shelf maybe 6” long and 4” deep. It was welded on only one side so the best way to remove it would be to cut those welds, remove the bracket and grind the area smooth. The problem was the bracket was bent down over the welds so you couldn’t get a cut-off too up in there.
Enter, The Hammer.
The hammer was an old sledge hammer with the handle cut down to allow one handed use and looks as though it would be at home amongst the personal possessions of the local Thunder God. This is my “Finisher” hammer because once I’m done with it; the job is finished regardless of completion. I decided to go with my finisher because the bracket was made out of fairly robust metal and I didn’t want to be up there all night, banging away on this metal piece, and annoying my co-workers. So up the ladder I go with Mjöllnir. Due to several factors the only real way to land a solid hit was to stand on the ladder with my back to the ladder and using both hands, swing the hammer up like I was bumping a volley ball. I had considerable success with this method right up until the plate was bent to an angle to deflect the blow straight into the right side of my forehead. The blow was hard enough to be heard 30’ away. I stood there stunned for a moment, pretty much oblivious to everything as the glitter in my shaken snow-globe of a brain settled once again. I then began my descent from the ladder. As I reached the bottom Randy asked if I was OK to which I responded “I need a cup of coffee and a couple of moments to let you know.” After a few minutes, I got myself recalibrated and finished the job. So the hammer worked, just like I said it would.
I fully expected to develop a large and colorful bruise I could proudly show off as a “Badge of Bad-assery” earned from working with big tool but all I had was a headache and bragging about getting a headache after hitting one’s self with a hammer doesn’t have quite the effect one would desire. However, a couple of days later I discover a bruise on my knee. Searching the database I come up with not event that would cause a bruise to my knee and so I have decided that, so awesome was the power of the hammer-blow that, I actually knocked the bruise from my forehead to my knee.
…
So there you go, three more glimpses into the life and times of Me, your humble host here in Abretokia. I hope the coming year brings you all great wealth, health and of course laughter. I look forward to entertaining you for another year.
We had had a really tough night trying to remove a large steel hinge pin that held the boom to the truck. The pin was probably about 4” in diameter and around 2’ long and rusted in place. We spent most of the evening heating the sockets that held the pin in place and pounding on it with a sledge hammer. Eventually we moved to pneumatic jack-hammer and after several hours we got it apart, but it fought us the entire way. Around 5:30 am 1st shift would start to show up and Randy would meet with the day shift team leader to get him up to speed with what we accomplished on 3rd so work could be continued. During this time, Jeremy and I would put away our tools, fill out our paperwork and clean up to go home.
On this morning, clean up took less time because we were only on one truck most of the night so Jeremy went outside to have a smoke and I joined him just to get out of the shop for a couple of minutes even though I don’t smoke. It was winter time and while we were standing there and I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a very large snow pile over in a corner of the parking lot about 75 yards away. Abandoning all reason and with a foolish chuckle I took off running at this snow pile with visions of childhood playground antics flickering through my over-tired brain. Considering the distance from the pile, I had gathered quite the amount of momentum when I reached the pile and dove, shoulder first, into what I expected to be a cloud of feathers and marshmallows.
It turned out, instead, to be an oppressive mountain of concrete and anvils.
It hadn’t occurred to me that the last time it snowed had been several days ago, thus allowing this innocent snow pile melt and freeze a few times. As I collided with this unyielding blockade of joy all the air I had taken for granted moments ago left me like a kid from a Christmas sweater. I, in fact, bounced off and landed in a crumpled, bruised and gasping heap on the frosty asphalt. I didn’t even leave a mark much less visible evidence that I had hurled my entire weight at Frosty’s obese evil cousin.
After a couple of minutes to reboot the software in my head and do a systems check for any obvious damage, I slowly got up and limped back to where Jeremy was standing. After a couple of seconds of silence he asked without looking at me “Sooo, How’d that work out for you?” I remained quiet until we went inside.
…
We usually took a break around midnight or 1 A.M. depending on the jobs we were doing. I remember we were sitting down near the coffee pot we had out in Service eating when we heard a noise come from the Bay 6 Service door. For Perspective, the service shop has 10 work bays each with a large garage door big enough to allow a full size utility truck to drive inside. In the garage door in bay 6 there is also a small man sized service door that can be used to go in and out of the shop. We looked at each other then looked in the direction of bay 6 and we see a woman emerge from between the trucks in bays 5 & 6 and asked “Can someone jump me?”
This, in fact, rarely occurs.
As from one of the stories that men allegedly read in those magazines featuring bow-tied bunnies, a dazzling, and somewhat tipsy, woman in a tight black cocktail dress and high heels has just walked into our service shop in the middle of the night and asked for automotive assistance in the form of zesty innuendo. After a quick, muttered deliberation, it is decided I will go forth and see how this adventure plays out. I ask where her car is at and she explains that she is parked in the lot across the street by a small office building. I tell her I will meet her over there.
As I pull into the lot, I see her standing next to an S.U.V. with the hood up and accompanied by yet another well dressed woman. I begin to wonder if there are camera men in the trees or hidden around somewhere until I see a sharp dressed man step into view. “Oh well”- I think to myself and pull up in front of the dead vehicle. I get out, get my cable from the trunk and begin hooking the two vehicles up all the while being showered with “Thank You’s” and praise for doing this. The story comes out that there had been a celebration that evening and of the trio before me, the man was the only one sober enough to drive, although I believe a breathalyzer may have had a differing opinion.
I quickly got the vehicle started, disconnected the cables, and put them away. As I was turning away from closing my trunk I was hugged first by the lady who came into the shop and then by her friend. The man made an offer of payment, but I declined and asked that he help someone else out should he get the opportunity. He then demanded giving me a beer which I refused because I was, after all, still on the clock. In the end I agreed to take three cans, one for each of us on 3rd, and have them with the guys at the end of the shift. He shook my hand and we parted ways. He went home with two beautiful women and I went back to the shop where I was asked about a magazine ending of the story. Sadly, the article was more Popular Mechanics then Playboy.
…
The trucks we work on are big. They commonly have equipment mounted on them that can lift a person 55’ to 90’ in the air. When these units are stored for transport the booms often hang out in front of the cab. Consequently, being a mechanic working on these units requires you to work on ladders often. These machines lead hard lives working in harsh weather conditions and sometimes not subject to the maintenance recommended by the manufacturer and so the use of a hammer is sometimes needed to encourage forward progress of a task. In other words, sometimes you have to smack the crap out of something to get it apart or put it together and often you have to do it standing 8’ off the floor.
One day, I was tasked with removing a metal bracket that was no longer needed from the side of the boom. The bracket was a plate with a lip on the outer edge that was welded to the boom and resembled a small shelf maybe 6” long and 4” deep. It was welded on only one side so the best way to remove it would be to cut those welds, remove the bracket and grind the area smooth. The problem was the bracket was bent down over the welds so you couldn’t get a cut-off too up in there.
Enter, The Hammer.
The hammer was an old sledge hammer with the handle cut down to allow one handed use and looks as though it would be at home amongst the personal possessions of the local Thunder God. This is my “Finisher” hammer because once I’m done with it; the job is finished regardless of completion. I decided to go with my finisher because the bracket was made out of fairly robust metal and I didn’t want to be up there all night, banging away on this metal piece, and annoying my co-workers. So up the ladder I go with Mjöllnir. Due to several factors the only real way to land a solid hit was to stand on the ladder with my back to the ladder and using both hands, swing the hammer up like I was bumping a volley ball. I had considerable success with this method right up until the plate was bent to an angle to deflect the blow straight into the right side of my forehead. The blow was hard enough to be heard 30’ away. I stood there stunned for a moment, pretty much oblivious to everything as the glitter in my shaken snow-globe of a brain settled once again. I then began my descent from the ladder. As I reached the bottom Randy asked if I was OK to which I responded “I need a cup of coffee and a couple of moments to let you know.” After a few minutes, I got myself recalibrated and finished the job. So the hammer worked, just like I said it would.
I fully expected to develop a large and colorful bruise I could proudly show off as a “Badge of Bad-assery” earned from working with big tool but all I had was a headache and bragging about getting a headache after hitting one’s self with a hammer doesn’t have quite the effect one would desire. However, a couple of days later I discover a bruise on my knee. Searching the database I come up with not event that would cause a bruise to my knee and so I have decided that, so awesome was the power of the hammer-blow that, I actually knocked the bruise from my forehead to my knee.
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So there you go, three more glimpses into the life and times of Me, your humble host here in Abretokia. I hope the coming year brings you all great wealth, health and of course laughter. I look forward to entertaining you for another year.
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